On September 13, I had been driving home from a bike ride and stopped at a red light, I took a selfie under amazing natural light. When I changed my profile picture that evening, I received many flattering compliments. I'm not a selfie girl, I am very critical of myself in photos and prefer to be behind the lens rather than in front of it. But even I will admit it was a great photo. Comments ranged from 'beautiful', to 'don't you ever age?'
Within less than a week that photo represented the end of life as I knew it. That carefree, confident woman has been hiding lately. When I now view that photo, I feel like I've aged 10 years since then. It was a mere six days letter I uncovered my husband's affair.
7 months have passed and I now cringe when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I understand many of us are our worst critics. Most of the time others don't even observe the faults we focus our own attention on. Normally I'm an overly self critical individual to begin with, combine that with the added insecurity from the affair, looking in the mirror physically hurts. There isn't enough makeup in the world to make me look good never mind pretty. My eyes sag, my chin sags, my eyelids droop, I have bags under my eyes. I look old. I look tired. I look my age (if not older). While I often shy away from photos, I now don't want to be in any photos anymore. And I hate my husband and 'the skank' for causing me to feel this way.
I feel exactly the same. In the months before DDay I was making great strides in self acceptance. Trying to be comfortable with who I was physically. I am what I am and I'm not that dissimilar to when we were married 14 years ago....2 kids and a lot of stress later. At 42 I'd finally become at peace with working with what I've got. I was becoming happy. My DDay was also 7 months ago and it shattered the way I see myself. I despise photos Seeing one of how I look sends me into a panic attack. It is completely triggering. I don't even recognise myself. I find myself musing 'no wonder he cheated', if people knew they'd say 'no wonder'... and that's a hideously damaging thing to think because it's NOT true and it's not a reason!! None of it was about looks it was about getting their egos rubbed and avoiding 'real life', But i think it. I still think those hideous thoughts that the way I look must have somehow contributed. I too hate them for making me feel and think this way. I want my life back. I have completely lost myself.
ReplyDeleteSorry I missed this comment, it was hidden in another folder (still getting used to the comments section on this blogger platform.
DeleteAfter 2 kids and a few extra pounds, I too was accepting myself as my 55th birthday is approaching. I had been bike riding and snapped a selfie in the car on the way home at a stop light. I am a hobbyist photographer and don't like myself in pictures, but this one was one of the best photos I had ever taken of myself. It was 3 days before D-Day. I look at that photo now, 9 months later and it looks like it could have been 10 years ago. I hate the way I look now, I feel like I've aged 10 years. The stress has called hair loss. I used to have thick hair, now its very thin and frizzy. I totally understand your wanting your life back. I want mine back too. I hate what this does to us...
I feel the same way. His affair and the depression and anxiety have aged me. It pisses me off. It's like the carefree, naive woman I was, now holds the weight of betrayal in my eyes, my face, my body.
ReplyDeleteI feel EXACTLY the same way. I am hoping as time goes by I get some of my 'old self' back. Right now I am not the same and don't get enjoyment out of the activities that brought me joy. I also love the beach and I don't feel the normal happy anticipation for the summer this year. That really pisses me off as well. Wishing you peace... xoxo Dolly
Deletesorry for the late reply - I am new to blogging and for some reason I haven't been notified of comments!
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