Triggers

can be obvious or subtly emerge out of the blue for no apparent reason.  As June fast approaches, I am expecting a surge in my triggers as June is when his affair began.

It can be an innocent comment such as how lucky I am to have a husband like him.  I don't think I even need to elaborate on how much those words piss me off.  

I have a friend who's going through a particularly nasty divorce.  Her husband is a sex addict, who had an affair which resulted in with a child. He would travel for business and the genius (my husband) said it was to be expected that when he was away for a couple of weeks at a time.  He really wasn't crazy about her husband who wasn't a stand up, honest guy in my husband's book.  Needless to say we entered into a very lively discussion on that one.

We were out one day and I wanted to snap a picture of us.  He didn't want to because he said he didn't look good, but it irked me that there are a few pictures of them floating around.

Then of course there is the direct mention of 'the skank,' Kimba.  He will actually try to make a joke if I bring her up.  That totally triggers my crazy.  Poor Kimba, if she actually heard him talk about her, she'd probably have a stroke.

Lying is a major trigger and causes explosions.  I caught him in a lie the other day and he was fortunate I kept my calm.  The kids were home so the explosion came later when he decide he wanted to talk about it.  At the time, I was content to digest the information and ponder how I would make him suffer.  I knew he slept with her, but he wouldn't come clean with me.  

Occasionally nothing specific is the trigger.  For no apparent reason, I'll think of the phone calls, seeing his car at her house, watching them through her front window one night and my rage resurfaces.

I can be driving and a song from last summer will come on the radio and I will think of her. Of him. And then I replay of the events from June through October as if it were yesterday.  I will then replay particular days with alternative events.  What if I did this? What if I said that? What if I went over when he was there? What if I went to the restaurant and tossed drinks in their faces? 

My hallway has dozens of family photos hung on the wall.  There was one from our vacation last August when I didn't know about 'the skank'.  Last week when I looked at that photo, it irritated me, so I I removed that picture.

I never know what will trigger me.  A very innocent statement or remark can literally set me off in a rage. As time goes by, it happens less frequently, but I have some concerns as we go into the next three months.  I'm trying not to dwell on it or give it too much thought.

One day at a time...