My hallway is adorned with family photos. The latest addition to the wall was taken last August while we were on our yearly family vacation, two months into my husband's affair with 'the skank'. I just can't wrap my head around leading that double life. Every time I walk down the hallway and catch a glimpse of that photo, I relapse into my destructive thoughts. How could he pretend we were a happy family? Why even pose for that photo when he couldn't wait to get home to see 'the skank?' We left a day early as he had to get back for some pressing 'work' in his office. I see that photo and it's not real. I look at that photo and find myself dwelling in the past. The anxiety was rising and I needed a release.
So I snuck out of the house Sunday morning while everyone was still sleeping and drove to Dunkin Donuts for an iced coffee. With no prior thought or intent, I found myself continuing on, no specific destination in mind. Scandal's Goodbye to You was blasting from my playlist, then 🎶 Irreplaceable, You Don't Own Me and Bye, Bye, Bye. 🎶
In one month, it will be one year that my husband made the decision to cheat. I amused my sons for the summer while he entertained his whore rather than working. Financially, we now paying for his dalliances. And the music 🎶 blared on with the window open, my hair blowing in the breeze. Listening, singing, struggling not to think, trying to push the myriad
of feelings from my mind.
For a moment I pondered whether my wallet may contain a winning Powerball ticket. I briefly lost myself in the fantasy of cashing in a multi-million dollar ticket and covertly opening my own personal account in the Cayman Islands. Perhaps I'd just eliminate any potential claim he might have by letting my daughter claim the winnings. It's funny how people say money doesn't buy happiness, but money certainly would solve the majority of my problems. I turned up the music and came down to reality.
He began his affair in June. My sons and I will be at the beach in July while he stays home. I am supposed to trust him, trust that because he says the affair is over, it is? He says she could sit on his office steps all day and it wouldn't matter because he is not interested in going there and it's over. He wants us to be together. I'm supposed to believe him, trust him. Sometimes I do believe him, but I don't trust him. 🎶Goodbye to You 🎶.
I am quite positive 'the skank' will contact him when she know's I'm away. I can't dwell on that thought. I can't control her, I can't control him. It was summer when the ship sank and now summer is literally around the corner. I will have to force myself to put him and her out of my mind. He took away so much, I refuse to let him take away my favorite time of the year and my one true happy place, the beach. He says he'll tell me if she calls. He says he will shut it down. Will he? Irreplaceable...🎶 you must not know bout me, you must not know bout me. I can have another you in minute...🎶don't you ever for a moment get to thinking, you're irreplaceable.. 🎶
I drove. The music was deafening as I tried to drown out my thoughts. I could see that fucking family picture. A wife, two teenagers and a husband who was fucking a low life whore, 'the skank'. The volume of the music was maxed out. 🎶You Don't Own Me 🎶
The lack of trust is emotionally exhausting. If it weren't for the kids I would probably have pursued the divorce to its conclusion. I'm spent. I don't want to live in a world of distrust. I waver from wanting to continue to work at this to saying fuck it, get out and go live with 'the skank'. Don't I deserve better than this? 🎶 Bye, Bye, Bye. 🎶
The damn music was blaring as I rode down my street, and when I returned home I took that photo down and threw it in the back of the spare room closet.
He noticed. He didn't say anything.
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