I Have a Confession. I'm Just Not The Bigger Person

I thoroughly enjoyed the movie The Other Woman with Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann a couple of years ago. I snickered when Kate put hair remover in her husband's shampoo and concocted breakfast smoothies with birth control pills. So when my husband's affair was exposed to me, punishment was in order while I worked behind his back to assemble the requested information for my attorney to draw up divorce papers. 

Sure I retained a divorce attorney the next day, but I needed more. I craved something more personal, something so repulsive, so disgusting it would bring him to his knees in disgust if he knew. What better way to deal with a germaphobe than sinking low and getting down and dirty.

My husband called to say he was coming home for dinner on the day I learned about his affair.  Was he serious? He’s going to fuck her later after I feed him a home cooked meal?  Livid, I set the table. As I retrieved a fork from the silverware drawer, I pictured swirling it around the dirty toilet bowl after I peed, taking care to touch every dirty surface. I fantasized texting a video to the network of friends I turned to for support. Geez, someone would have appreciated this!  Stifling my laughter, I prepared his dinner.

A 3 inch screw on a 90 degree angle leaning against a front tire at night is pretty inconspicuous. I did do that.  It was my pleasure to go to that skank’s house and leave that screw for him. He could have picked that up anywhere in his travels. By the time he got home at 3am, the tire was flat.  Tracking his phone that day provided only minimal entertainment as he drove from service station after service station getting air before finally getting it fixed in the afternoon. And of course, with all the time wasted with the tire, he chose to eat at home again. 

I thoughtfully considered peeing in his pasta bowl. That might improve the already scrumptious taste of pasta with a rainbow assortment of fresh vegetables. He greedily devoured his meal, expressing his delight before departing to visit his whore. His germaphobic brain would have been positively mortified had I actually followed through with my thoughts.   

I wanted to give her a gift as well. The screw was for him, I couldn't really fuck with his food, but I had the brainstorm to rub poison ivy in his underwear.  After all, she had pursued him for years and was by no means an innocent party. But alas, the poison didn't work.  Perhaps its effectiveness weakened after drying overnight, but it oh what joy if it spread to his dick and they ‘shared’.  I wonder, would she have gotten it in her mouth or down under?

The next morning when he asked, “Can you make me an egg on a bagel?”  Are you fucking serious?

 

“Sure, honey, happy to do it,” as I viewed the spatula and almost rubbed it in my crotch, with a quick glance at the kitchen floor I had not yet mopped while he meticulously scrubbed his hands in the bathroom. 

“Did you wash your hands?” he asked.  

“Of course, I washed my hands.”  But I wish I had contaminated the spatula. It gave me a perverse pleasure to picture this in my mind and think of how disgusted he would be. With his thinking, he could possibly find it as disgusting as I found his affair.

Carrying a drinking glass by the top causes him to lose his fucking mind, so anytime I had the opportunity to handle his drinking glasses, my dirty hands rubbed along the top.  Licking it worked too.  I absolutely did that.

In retrospect I probably would have done him a favor by exposing his immune system to germs considering how sterile he keeps his dining experiences. 

I'm Having My Doubts

...if we're going to make it.  I think I'm just fooling myself into thinking I can get beyond this.  My husband in one breath takes responsibility then in the other blames me for the majority of the breakdown of the marriage. He then has the audacity to declare, "if you hadn't done what you did, I never would have gone there."

Having a drink at our favorite restaurant ended in an argument.  It happens sometimes, and most times he tries to convince me that it's my fault and he has no responsibility.  I don't know if I'm being gaslighted or perhaps maybe I'm just crazy. He's perfect and admits no fault whatsoever.

We were sitting at the bar talking and somehow the subject of my friend who is going through a nasty divorce was raised. Her soon to be ex husband of 32 years cheated on her and actually fathered a child with his mistress whom he is now with.  My husband in his infinite wisdom declared, 'she should have know he was screwing around' because he would frequently go on business trips.  He's a man.  Oh really? The man had a family to support and his job requires him to go away for a week or two at a time.  So that means he has to screw around?  

I took the bait. She loved him. She trusted him. They had a good sexual relationship. A week or two away meant he couldn't keep his dick in his pants until he came home?  A woman should expect man who was away a week or two to 'fulfill his sexual needs'.  Seriously?

I said to him they had been together for decades and she trusted him. He said she was stupid.  I said 'I trusted you'. And that was that. My husband's a different person.  I should have trusted him. No one would ever put up with me other than him.  I had it so good.  If I didn't treat him like I did, he would have never gone to ('the skank').  I perceived the things he said to me the wrong way, and my reactions 'drove him to her.'  So when he told me I could no nothing right for years, criticized every. single. thing. I did, from cleaning, to caring for my kids, from doing work for him and I fought back, it was my fault.  When he told me the only value I had was when I cooked or spread my legs, I guess I was supposed to take it as a compliment.  When I approached him repeatedly to try and talk to him about how he made me feel, he'd say, 'you don't feel that way'. I guess when I lashed out at him after years of this, it was my fault because I perceived he was killing my self esteem and making me feel like shit every day. 

He proceeded to discuss other friends of mine, none of which in his mind have 'real relationships as we had'.  It seems that everyone I know have fake relationships.  Either there is too big of an age difference, or you can 'tell' they were fucking around. My husband on the other hand is the most honorable man on the planet. Funny thing is, for all my friends who embarked on and maintained long term 'fake marriages', not one of them had to deal with a cheating spouse except the one with the pregnant mistress.  Their marriages were 'fake', they were not honorable men, yet the only cheater was MY husband.  He is the only person I know that can cheat and place the blame squarely on his wife, me.

He seems to think I am required to put it all behind me because it was my fault he strayed and as long as 'things don't go back to where they were, I have nothing to worry about.'  Is that a threat?  

So, I just took a lorazepam and I'll go sleep on this while he's at his office, cooling down because I ruined his evening...

What's Your Story?

Whether it's been a week or a year, I would invite you to share your story.  Since I discovered my husband's affair, I have spent countless hours reading articles and blogs, documenting other women's journeys, healing process and sometimes divorce process. Moving forward is not always a viable option, sometimes cutting losses and moving on is the appropriate journey.

My husband and I have decided to try and salvage our marriage. Some days are good, some not so good.  I can be happy, angry, bitter, sad, optimistic, pessimistic, sarcastic, nice, cheerful and nasty, all in the same week or even day.

There are so many overwhelming emotions that seem to emerge out of nowhere.  A minor word or action can trigger an over the top reaction.

I appeal to those of you who are just new to this process or have experienced this profound betrayal in the past.  I want to hear your D-Day stories. I need to hear them. I need to try and make some sense of this. But mostly, I need to feel I'm not alone because even though my husband and I active work to regain the trust, I sometimes still feel so alone...and angry...

Things We Do Differently Now

may seem to be common sense to most people, but in the chaos of life, sometimes they are inadvertently neglected. My husband and I plead guilty...

Since we have been trying to rebuild our marriage, my favorite 'thing' is having coffee and breakfast together most every morning. I have to confess, it has been wonderful to share this early part of the day together. I concoct our omelette of the day, cut up some fresh fruit, toast a bagel and brew fresh ground coffee while he reads some of the paper and then we leisurely talk over breakfast. On days my husband has early appointments, we speed things along, otherwise we take our time, sometimes even adjourning to the bedroom for a quick nap or... whatever.

We compliment each other and practice kindness over criticism, therefore enjoying each other's company more. I used to dread coming home and seeing his car in the driveway. Now when I come home, I am disappointed if I don't see it.

Date nights are crucial. In our early years, we didn't have a lot of extended family support and spent the majority of our free time together as a family.  We were nearly never together as a couple. At the time, this lack of 'us' time didn't appear to be a problem, but we realize now how imperative some kid-free time is to nurture our relationship.  

What are some ways you renew your relationships or keep them going strong?  Are there any daily, weekly, monthly routines you like to follow? Please share! Maybe it's something I can incorporate in my own life...

A Three Time Loser

...is all you will ever be.  He didn't want you 25 years ago because he wanted me.  He didn't want you in September when I screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and move in with you.  I filed for divorce in four days and practically gave him to you. You still couldn't close the deal. He never even told you a divorce was pending.  And you lost your 'friend' when he put his love for me over his friendship for you.

"So when you look at the picture of you and him from last summer, when you stalk my Facebook page and see a picture of me, when you see a picture of him and me together, just say these words to yourself, 'I'm a three time loser'."

Should I ever run into her those are the words I am dying to say to 'the skank'.  Of course there is so much more.  Anger drove me to my computer a couple of months ago and I began to write. The words flowed out, taking a life of their own.  I wrote a piece in less than an hour, going back and fine tuning occasionally during the next month.  I wrote for me.  I wrote to release some of the feelings I'd been holding in. I had no intention of anyone actually reading it.  But as fate may have it, a blog I follow wrote an article listing some sites to submit blog posts for publication. I looked over the list and submitted my post to BLUNTmoms.  Within a couple of weeks, I received an email saying they were going to run it on their site.  The title is Three Strikes You're Out - Letter to My Husband's Mistress and it was posted on their site this past Tuesday.  

 Three Strikes You're Out - Letter To My Husband's Mistress, posted on BLUNTmoms.com

Yes I know my husband cheated. I know he is the one to blame. But 'the skank' was an active participant. She was actively working behind my back and was by no means an innocent bystander. 

Starting The Queen Is In blog has been therapeutic for me.  Over the past week, I've begun to feel a little less hostile, as I leave the hostility on paper. The drafts I've currently been working on this week aren't warm, fuzzy or forgiving.  But I am feeling a little less vengeful.  The words are literally pouring out of me. I feel better. The words are absorbing the physical anger.  

'The skank' blocked me on Facebook in late January.  Stupid girl, all she did was show me I was getting to her.  Last month, she unblocked me.  I was going to link the BLUNTmom's article to my Facebook page so she would see it, however, in the attempt to move forward, I decided yesterday to block her.  Why bring bad Karma on myself? If she's meant to see the article, she will. Maybe it will go viral.  And if not, so be it.   

I Used Facebook to Make 'The Skank' MY Bitch...And Go Away. Part 2

continued from part 1

Admittedly, using Facebook was not necessarily the 'grown-up' thing to do, but neither was an in person confrontation in my then current frame of mind.  My anxiety had escalated due to not only my son's mental health crisis, but also my husband's delay to completely end contact with 'the skank'.  I was unable to obtain a timely psychiatric appointment, instead relying on valium and lorazepam tablets given to me by a couple of friends.  Playing with 'the skank' on Facebook was actually a therapeutic distraction.  Albeit a negative distraction, it was a diversion nonetheless and that was good.

....I will admit, a few things she posted were a little unsettling, but there was no way I would be intimidated.  When provoked, I can be a nasty bitch. I could care less about getting in the gutter with her. 'The skank' would never out maneuver me.  

She'd post her little sayings about how there's one person 'you've had had feelings for since the day you met'.  She posted the Johnny Depp quote that 'if you love two people at the same time, choose the second because if you loved the first you wouldn't have fallen for the second.'  Reading her posts, I knew her mentality. And it became crystal clear to me early on that she deluded herself into thinking my husband was in love with her and expected him to leave me for her.  I demanded my husband tell me why she was under that impression since he told me not only did he not tell her that, but he didn't feel that way about her at all. She posted a picture with 'her best oldest best friend' and cropped out that person.  I recognized my husband's shirt.  Game on bitch...

My husband repeatedly shook his head saying she read something into the affair that wasn't there, although admitting he spent a lot of time with her over a 2 1/2 month period. I was not convinced, he must have indicated something to lead her on. He said no, he never directly indicated anything, however it was possible she inferred something based on the amount of time they spent together.  He said she had her own issues with not only medications, but excessive marijuana use and drinking. (Great, so you not only cheat, you cheat with crazy?!?). 

Unbeknownst to her, he said his ultimate goal was for me to find out and force some type of conversation.  He confessed he was frustrated with our situation and didn't know what else to do.  He even claimed he thought I would say something to him when I found out and it would force a conversation.  He said he expected me to file for divorce, but I don't believe that was the case.  She did not know his true intentions, and she fantasized that he was in love with her.  

I posted the Johnny Depp quote as a "question of the day."  A hint to the fact he could have gone to her but didn't...

"Question of the day? I actually agree with this quote, but what if you were actually FREE to go with the second and didn't, was it really love?"

Then another question of the day...

What a nice evening we had tonight. And as I am getting ready for bed, I am pondering another question...You’re about to lose your best, oldest best friend and have only one LAST phone call…What do you say?

When I posted Queens don't compete with hoes, she copied the photo and posted the same meme on her Facebook page with the comment, "If you post this, don't you feel like you're competing with someone?"  Her friend commented on the post about me being a "control freak with a godlike complex."  Shortly after this one, she finally blocked me, although continuing to enlist her friend to keep an eye on my page. 

My husband told me she would ask him 'Didn't you try to work on your marriage?  Didn't you go on 'date night's'?  After I heard that I posted quite a few photos of drinks in tagged locations with the caption 'date night'.  I even posted  'Thank you to the one who suggested date nights this summer, what a fabulous idea!' 

I posted quotes about losing friends such as 'don't you wish you could speak with someone again, for one last time'.  Coincidentally, my husband and I had dinner plans on National Spouse's Day in January. Pictures, food, #datenight. Posted.

I was relentless.  Subtle posts from my Facebook friends' perspective, who only mentioned the increase in photos of my husband and me. It was glaringly obvious to her of course.  I posted #waybackwednesday, #throwbackthursday #flashbackfriday photos.  I posted past vacation photos, a photo of him wearing the same shirt she posted, and the pièce de ré·sis·tance, a photo of my husband and me at her wedding 24 years ago. When I admitted to him posting that picture, I couldn't tell if he was more amused or horrified.  

She posted how she loved 'Love Ballard' (she can't spell either) by George Benson which reminded her of how much fun she had in the summer.  I posted throwback photos of us at a  George Benson concert.  Then I posted the YouTube video of Benson's Love Ballad, one of our favorite #weddingsongs, #memories.  I also posted Drake's YouTube video. #youusedtocallmeonmycellphone.

I would ask him occasionally if he'd heard from her.  He said no. At that time he was unaware of the full extent of the Facebook taunts going back and forth. But I strongly suspected she had been calling his office.  Of course he'd been home most nights, giving extra family attention and support to our son.  Between my posts and her inability to contact him, I'm convinced she had the impression he was avoiding her phone calls. 

He left early for his office on February 10 and came home mid-morning for breakfast. He had a smile on his face and said, 'you don't have to post anymore throwback Thursdays'.  He told me when he went into the office the night before there was a note on his door from her.  He called returned the call. 

'The skank' had been unable to reach him. She claimed she was out shopping with her friend and left a note on the door. A note on his door? How. Fucking. Pathetic.

Early into the conversation she attempted to tell on me regarding my Facebook posts.  He cut her short saying he didn't want to hear it and she shouldn't be looking at my page. During their conversation, he informed her I filed for divorce.  She said nothing in response which was not a surprise to me. I had already hinted at that information with my posts.  He then informed her her that because of what happened, they could not remain friends.  He loved me and wanted to make our marriage work.  He said she was upset with that.  She didn't want to lose her 'friend' and said she needed his help with a left over bill and some other issues arising from her divorce.  He said he couldn't help her.  He said the conversation was short and to the point and it was done.

For my own peace of mind and to move forward with my husband, I needed him to cut all ties.  Since we agreed he shouldn't initiate contact, it was up to me to make that call happen  posthaste, preferably before her vacation, hopefully putting a damper on her trip. So thank you Facebook. Mission accomplished.  A friend said I was entitled to one gloat post...

Bon Voyage Skank...

I Used Facebook to Make 'The Skank' MY Bitch...And Go Away. Part 1

My husband cut off in person contact with the skank shortly after I learned of the affair.  However, as he was supposedly 'helping' her with her divorce, he refused to totally cut off telephone contact causing me tremendous anxiety.  He said I had nothing to worry about because we were 'ok', he had no romantic designs towards her and they could still be friends.  Are you fucking kidding me???  "Friends" wasn't the prevalent issue so much as was the fact that his macho Italian ego didn't want me to 'tell him what to do', a statement he actually relayed to me. I also knew he would not respond to an ultimatum. 

She had called him several times in October, then in November once the divorce was final, informing him she was going to Florida for the holidays. He forbid her to call his cell phone and said to only contact him on his office phone.  I told him if he expected us to move forward, we had to leave the past in the past other than learning from our mutual mistakes, and that included her.  Finally understanding my point of view, he agreed to completely sever all ties.  

Intuitively, I knew she had been calling him once she returned in early January, but aside from the marital issues, a family issue cropped up after we agreed to try and salvage our marriage.  My younger autistic son had anxiety issues emerge and we all joined forces to help him.  My husband cut down his work hours at night, coming home for dinner and then staying in, rather than going back to his office for a few hours.  She didn't know that.  As far as she knew, he was in the office, ignoring her phone calls.

He had agreed to cut off the friendship and promised he would call to apprise her of the situation.  But he then asked me if I thought initiating that call was the prudent action since he hadn't heard from her in over a month.  I told him I actually thought of that myself.  He thought it best if he told her next time she called.  I said fine. I also stated he needed to tell her a couple of things.  One, that I filed for divorce. He never told her the divorce papers were filed after I found out about the affair.  She told him he could stay with her.  She thought she was going to get him once the shit hit the fan.  And he never even told her when it did, never mind go to her. Two, because he loved me and we were working on our marriage, they could not be friends. 

She threw a red herring out for her friends. She met some guy on a cruise who resides in Sweden. She gushed on her Facebook page about meeting him and it was the 'best day of her life'.  She was planning to visit him around Valentine's Day. 

So the task at hand was to get her to call my husband before she went on her vacation without me directly contacting her. I knew that she would be devastated when all ties were cut, seriously fucking with her mind before her trip.  

My anxiety had peaked and was now almost debilitating. The affair combined with my son's mental health crisis overwhelmed me.  I promised my husband I would not confront 'the skank' in person and frankly, I wouldn't have trusted myself to show any modicum of calmness or restraint. So I turned to the next best thing, Facebook. Not the most grownup thing to do, but effective nonetheless.

Social media can be such an asset yet such an invasion of privacy.  I poured through her Facebook account at length.  I read every single post and every single comment.  At the end of my research, I felt like I knew 'the skank' personally.  

After learning everything I possible could about her, I then had to confirm she was actually stalking my page.  I publicly posted a meme with the comment...

"No matter how hard you try, you will never be me or have what I have. And oh my, you've put on some weight, and ease up on the photoshop you skank, you look like shit...😘 (oh and I hope your New Year's Resolution is to find your own man and not settle for sloppy seconds 😉)"

Honestly, I didn't think there'd be a reaction. It would be pretty stupid to for her to tip her hand.  But as my husband told me previously, 'she's not too smart.'  Sure enough she started posting within hours, one comment being 'your life is so perfect why are you worried about mine. Go away'.  In that moment I knew I had her.  She was my bitch now...

to be continued...

Rumination

is defined as the "compulsively focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions".

I learned about the meaning of rumination when we began addressing my son's anxiety.  His doctor explained he was ruminating, thinking over and over about situations at school that caused him anxiety.  As my husband and I were discussing this, I realized I had been ruminating as well. I was then able to step into my son's shoes and understand how he was thinking which ended up being instrumental in ultimately identifying his distress and finding viable solutions.

In my particular case, I was focussing my attention on 'the skank' and my husband's initial refusal to completely sever all ties. I would replay (ruminate) past situations over and over, only with different outcomes.  It was like watching a movie several times and expecting different outcomes in your head.

I also created meetings with 'the skank' in my mind. Randomly running into her was quite realistic as we both shopped at some of the same stores. I would play out the conversation I would have with her.  Over and over, I would 'rehearse' what I would say, getting meaner and nastier every time. Stress caused me to lose 10 pounds in less than two weeks.  I had no appetite and all I could do was obsess. Combined with concern over my son's issues, my anxiety peaked to an overwhelming level.

I tried to make an appointment with a psychiatrist because I felt that medication would be appropriate at this time. After contacting several offices, I was informed the earliest new patient appointments were at least two months away. I pushed through the day constantly on the verge of tears.I survived on coffee and one small meal per day.  I didn't speak with my friends. And I played conversations, scenarios and past events over and over and over in my head.

Speaking with my husband one morning quickly escalated a discussion into an argument.  Both of us were frustrated and he said he didn't know if I could ever get past the affair. It was at this point I demanded we put the past in the past if we were going to move forward and that included her.  If he couldn't do that, I told him just tell me and I will go forward with the divorce. And finally, he got it.  

His decision to cut the ties with 'the skank' and working together to find solutions for our son's issues, resulted in my anxiety lessening. I did not need to pursue a medication course of treatment.  

It's so bizarre to actually admit that if my husband hadn't cheated, we would have mutually agreed to divorce, both believing the marriage was damaged beyond repair. And additionally, another by-product of his affair, my anxiety, was instrumental in identifying and helping obtain the proper treatment for my son.  

But I still wish it hadn't happened...

As I Try To Put the Affair in the Past

...somedays I want to slap the shit out of my husband when he makes idiotic comments like he did today.  We were having dinner without the kids and the subject came up as it often does.  Usually he will say something that will elicit a smart ass remark from me related to 'the skank' or the affair.  

Tonight the comment was somewhere along the lines about how lucky I am to have a guy like him.  And I looked at him and said, 'oh really'.  

And the discussion began.  We went from him taking responsibility for what he did, to now declaring that I only discuss his fault and I don't take responsibility for what I did to our marriage.  My response to that is that we both acknowledged our parts in the demise of our marriage, but the affair was 100% on you.  And his view was that if I didn't do what I did, he never would have gone there.  He said he was done with the marriage and that's why he did it. 

I wrote a post earlier where I described him as being of the highest moral character, a man of integrity.  When he takes the stance he did tonight, I realize that the only way he can justify his behavior and still retain his high opinion of himself is to deflect blame on me.  While he says he is 100% responsible for his decision to cheat, that decision was because of what I did, because the marriage was done in his mind. 

He says I like to tell everyone it's all his fault and give a one sided opinion. He said I don't tell anyone what I did.  He's so wrong. It takes two people to make or break a marriage.  There are always two sides to every story. I have owned my part in our marriage falling apart.  I was nasty as fuck and in the last two years I fought with him, sometimes in response to his horrid comments. Sometimes I initiated spiteful behavior myself because I was in no mood to deal with him, but I refuse to take any responsibility for him choosing to take the coward's way out and cheat, rather than either trying to fix things, or being man enough to leave.

We would most likely not be in the position of reconciling if the events unfolded any differently. But I am disheartened by the fact that he cannot overcome his pride. He will admit the affair was 100% his choice in one breath and then say he never would have done it if not for my part in the marital problems.  The marital problems were one issue.  The affair was another issue.  Not everyone who has marital problems cheats.  

My D-Day

...was on September 19, 2016.  It was Sunday night (Monday morning) at 3am.  I woke up to pee and happened to look in the living room expecting to see my husband sleeping on the couch after having fallen asleep watching TV as was his typical pattern.  He wasn't there.  Looking out the front window, I discovered his car wasn't home.  WTF?

I went back to bed and had this nagging feeling that something wasn't right. Remembering I had put the Find My Phone app on all our phones, I activated the app.  The GPS put him in a neighborhood a few towns over.  I considered driving there but it was a little after 3am, he could be on his way back before I arrived.  But no, he didn't leave until almost 4am.

Elation was my first emotion. I had been miserable for several years. He spoke down to me and my self-esteem was plummeting. He criticized and micromanaged everything I did. I didn't clean right, I wasn't organized, I screwed up letters he'd ask me to type.  Whatever it was I did, I didn't do it right and of course, he could do it better. He would say 'you're only value is when you spread your legs and cook'. I constantly felt I either was walking on eggshells, or in defense mode. I would lash out in hostility or retreat to the bedroom crying. He became nastier and I would get more belligerent.  And so it went on for a couple of years before D-Day.  

By 4:30am, he fell asleep. I stopped at the donut shop for an iced coffee, then drove up to the street where the GPS picked him up. The screen shot I took showed two possible houses and I wasn't quite sure which one was the house, so I googled the residents of the two addresses.  One was clearly not an option, but the second had a resident in her early 50's with the first name of 'the skank'. For a fleeting moment I thought of this girl, but it really didn't stick in my head at that time.  It should have.

I looked her up on Facebook and saw some pictures. She was blonde. 'The skank' had been a brunette.  I then looked up my cell phone bill. Pouring over the numbers, one stuck out due to the sheer frequency of incoming and outgoing calls.  It was a Clearwater, Florida number.  While I was volunteering at school that day, I could not shake this nagging feeling so I kept revisiting her Facebook page. I began scrolling through her photos which were public. There were several references to Clearwater.  I then saw a photo with her and her mother. And I was like OMG, it's 'the skank'.  

I had a friend's daughter with an out of state phone number call the Florida number. The call went to voice mail.  She called me to tell me I was wrong, there was a different name on the message.  When she told me the name, I recognized it, went back to one of her pictures and discovered it was the niece's name.  Gotcha.

I called a friend of mine who was an attorney and asked her if she knew a good divorce attorney.  She made us martinis and we called a friend of hers.  I had an appointment the next morning.

Initially, I kept the knowledge of the affair from my husband.  I met my attorney on Tuesday, got some additional information for him and saw him again on Wednesday.  He was already drafting the divorce papers. 

By Thursday, I couldn't keep quiet any longer.  I was seething with anger, furious that my husband believed I was such a fool and he could just get away with his deception. I exploded, taking him by surprise.  He denied an affair, said they were just ‘friends’.  She was going through a nasty divorce and he was looking over stuff for her.  I didn’t buy it.  I told him that I think he had feelings for her and that it was more than an affair.  He said ‘she’s crazier than you’.  He said her husband was crazy.  He said her husband filed for divorce because of her excessive drinking and smoking marijuana. He told me she was seeing someone she met in Florida.  My husband also said she was supposed to go away with this guy next month. ( I wondered if maybe her soon to be ex would like that information.)  I told him I drove to the house Tuesday and saw naked arms and legs flailing around from the living room window. “You know what a germaphobe I am with my dick and I don’t like rubbers, do you really think I would fuck her. We fooled around but didn’t have sex. I wonder if her soon to be ex-husband could use any of this information… I still didn't tell him about the divorce.

I signed the papers on Friday and they were filed with the court on Friday afternoon, four days after I unearthed the affair.  But the court was backed up and the summons that was supposed be computer generated on Friday afternoon, was delayed.

As the reality of the affair sunk in, I was furious.  I was manic and in a rage. For as bad as things were, I never expected my honorable husband, who never did anything wrong, who considered himself the epitome of the perfect, moral, respectful gentleman, to betray me like this. Cheating was something I never considered for a second that he would do. And I wanted him and her to pay. 

By Friday afternoon, I had visited the courthouse and looked up the details of 'the skank's' divorce which were a matter of public record.  I confirmed her husband was the one who filed. I jotted down the next court date as I planned to attend. I would introduce myself to the soon to be ex and his attorney, with the cell phone call log and the find my phone screen shots (which I had been taking all week) of my husband at her house. I could just imagine the horrified look on her face and that made me smile.  

Friday evening was going to be fun. My husband and I received a bottle of Dom Perignon for Christmas a couple of years ago that had been sitting in the fridge.  My cousin was coming over for dinner, we were going to load all my husband's things in the back of my station wagon and drive to 'the skank's' house.  I paid extra to the constable to serve the divorce papers that night, at her house. After he served my husband, I was going to back my car on her front lawn and push his things out of the trunk, then throw the hundred or so pages of the phone logs up in the air.  I'd tell him, 'don't bother coming home' and say to her 'he's all yours'.  My cousin was going to video the whole thing and we were going to celebrate back at my house with the bottle of Dom.  I could just see it when we went to our own divorce hearings, the attorneys and judges in the court (his colleagues) knowing that I served him at his girlfriend's house.  That video would have been uploaded to YouTube before the champagne bottle was empty.  And again, I smiled.  

However, what is it they say about the best laid plans?  Things didn't go as planned that Friday.  The court system was backed up. The summons that were supposed to be emailed to my attorney on Friday afternoon were delayed.  There would be no constable serving divorce papers, no car emptying his belongings on 'the skank's' front yard, no Dom, no throwing the phone logs at them, no YouTube video.  

That Friday was the last night he was at her house. He went over to tell her I knew, and saw my car while I was trying to get some photos.  He came home early that night. And he was home every night after. I had to settle for the constable serving the divorce papers at our home later that next week.