noun. (slang, vulgar) Something that intentionally destabilizes, confuses or manipulates the mind of another person.
a situation which calls into question the way your mind currently sees a certain idea or the world in general
messing with someones mind, usually to an extreme.
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Feelings by a betrayed spouse encompasses all of the above definitions and it's not pretty.
Eight months ago my world was rocked with the discovery of my husband's affair. My husband's to blame but I would be lying if I said I didn't harbor ill will to the skank who actively and willingly participated. I read an article recently which stated wives redirect the anger meant for their husbands as a way of protecting their love for them, releasing it over time in smaller, more manageable increments. Had my husband had an affair with someone random, I may agree more wholeheartedly with that statement. Additionally however, I have more personal reasons for my anger geared toward 'the skank', who comparable to a snake, stealthily snuck around before slithering out from under her rock. And as she approaches her one year anniversary of fucking around with my husband, here's a few thoughts for her..
It has now been a year ago, when you and my husband had your three month summer affair. So how do you feel now? Do you go to bed each night crying. Is the pain so overwhelming that you can't sleep? Do you think about the fact that he's in bed with me every night. Do you wonder if he thinks about you? Do you wonder how could he leave you when he loved you (according to you). Are you replaying over and over and over what went wrong?
Mind Fuck.
Are you still thinking of him now? Are you still hurting? Is your heart broken? A year ago your divorce was getting close to its end and you believed my husband was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. If he was truthful, there was no physical consummation of this affair. Sex was the prize you were anticipating at your divorce's conclusion, a romantic proposition with such high expectations! On the other hand, if he was lying and he did sleep with you, it would have been a dream come true after having wished, fantasized and plotted for over 30 years. Your dilemma as I see it is what do you consider to be worse? - either he didn't sleep with you and you wish you did? Or the fact he did and could just walk away with no notice, no goodbye. Honey, if your companionship and sexual chemistry was so passionate and meant to be, he would have sprinted to you once the divorce papers were served. Instead, he dropped you cold turkey. Play that song in your head.
Mind Fuck.
When my thoughts go to you, they are no longer about what went on during your brief affair, they now focus primarily around instances where I imagine we run into each other and I reveal knowledge which will unveil just how little you actually meant to him. He didn't go to you because of your fantasy of being his lost love from 30 years ago. He didn't go to you because of your charming personality. He went to you because you were there. Period. You were there pretending to be his friend, all wide-eyed and innocent and stoking his enormous ego. You gave him the attention that he was craving and missing from our marriage. You were dropped like a hot potato when I found out about you, even when the divorce was ongoing. We literally were at war subsequent to my discovery and he neglected to apprise you of any of the divorce developments. According to him, his motive was to force things to a head, something our communication or lack thereof prevented us from doing. Once our situation was in the open, he didn't need you anymore.
Mind Fuck.
He never told you I filed for divorce mere days after I learned about the affair. As a matter of fact, he only came clean with you after I insisted he disclose this information to you, several months later, so you would know he was free to go to you but didn't. He chose to put our marriage first and the only way I would agree to a reconciliation was for him to cut all ties with you, including decades of friendship. Did it hurt finding out I filed for divorce and he didn't come to you? Do you torture yourself with the question of how your confidant, your 'best oldest best friend' as you like to throw in my face, never even told you? That must have been a punch in the gut. Why did he kept that secret? Why didn't he come to you to celebrate? Why didn't he tell you he was going to be free, free to be with you? He should have been thrilled that after thirty years, the one that got away, his separated soulmate, love of his life, was finally going to be free at the same time. But he wasn't thrilled, he could care less about you. How could he do this to you?
Mind Fuck.
Attempting to downplay any semblance of seriousness to your 'relationship', he spoke of your numerous issues, including your excessive marijuana and alcohol use. If you really knew my husband, you'd know of his utter distaste for drug use. He never would have considered a serious relationship with you strictly based on that fact alone. Perhaps you've had too many brain cells fried. Oh wait, he said you weren't the brightest bulb. He even called you crazy.
He hardly used your name, he called you 'that girl'.
He would say, "I don't want to be with that girl."
"I'm not in love with that girl.'
'It could have been anyone. We were dead. She was there.'
I taunted him, 'Did you even think for a minute I would allow HER to be a stepmother to my kids?' He responded, 'No, that would never have happened. Her mothering skills were not that great.'
Did you in your wildest dreams seriously believe he would ever go from ME to settling for a hot mess like you?
Do you find yourself obsessing about what his feelings were towards you? Did he love me? Did he use me? Did he love his wife even though he said he didn't anymore? How could he spend so much time with me if he didn't really love me? He must have loved me because we took selfies together when we went out. He took me out and didn't care if anyone saw us.
How could he just leave me once his wife found out. If his marriage was dead as he told me, why didn't he come to me when she filed for divorce? Why didn't he tell me? Why didn't he call me? Thinking, questioning, crying, justifying, over and over, night after night?
Mind Fuck.
Your affair with my husband is over, and so is your friendship. You never imagined THAT would happen. You should have known however that I would never allow that to continue. Oh wait, you didn't even consider losing your friendship because you had been friends for almost 3 decades and he wouldn't let ME stand in the way of that. Besides, he was going to leave me for you anyway. Newsflash: He wants to be with me and rebuild our marriage. In doing so, he chose me rather than maintaining the friendship with you. Bye Skank.
Mind Fuck.
It was a year ago you amped up your phone calls, commiserating with my husband, trading shitty spouses' stories. As the weather gets warm, I hope your mind is filled with memories of your happy summer. I hope you replay your conversations with my husband over and over. I hope the thoughts and questions overwhelm you every damn day. How could he go back to her? Mind Fuck.
It was a year ago you amped up your phone calls, commiserating with my husband, trading shitty spouses' stories. As the weather gets warm, I hope your mind is filled with memories of your happy summer. I hope you replay your conversations with my husband over and over. I hope the thoughts and questions overwhelm you every damn day. How could he go back to her? Mind Fuck.
I hope you replay every moment of your summer while you're laying in bed with nobody. Remember the nights outs together. Reminisce about your fantasies of divorcing your husband so you could be with mine. Did you hope I would find out? Did you think that once I found out you would get him? Mind Fuck.
You believed that he loved you. Mind Fuck.
You were convinced for years that you were meant to be with him. Mind Fuck.
You thought fate was bringing you back together because when you were served with your own divorce papers, his marriage crumbling. You were both going to be free at the same time! You posted, 'There's always that one person you've had feelings for since the day you met.' Mind Fuck.
I frequently fight the urge to contact you mostly because I am a firm believer in Karma. I would not want to bring bad Karma back on me by taunting you with the bits and pieces I know would crush you. I've seen Karma in all its glory come back to others, so I am quite confident you too shall face yours when the time is right. And quite frankly, I believe you've already had a small prelude to your Karma. Your husband moved on and is happy with someone else. My husband dumped you like the trash you are and chose to fight for our marriage. You are left with nobody. It sucks, doesn't it?
I truly wish with all my heart that you find someone that makes you discover love again. I wish you a heart full of happiness, security in your new love and explicit trust in him. And when all is well, I hope what you did to me comes back to you.
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