The Movie of My Life...

...is only half finished.  

I've changed and I am not happy with the changes. I don't like the fact that I don't enjoy the things that have always made me feel alive and joyful.  I don't like the fact that I couldn't force myself to reach out more to my friends this summer. I don't like that I feel like a shell of myself. I was fun. I was the life of the party. I was the 'fun mom'. I don't feel like that anymore.  I used to find joy in my bike rides and my photography. I don't enjoy them anymore.  

Instead, I find myself as an observer more than a participant in my story. It goes a little like this...

Girl meets love of her life, has two children who are diagnosed with autism.  Husband and wife work hard to help them overcome their obstacles, neglecting their marital relationship in the process.  Husband then has affair. They agree to reconcile, but girl doesn't know if she can put the affair behind.  Her friend asked today, "Do you love him."  She hesitates.  She doesn't really know.  She loves some things about him, there's a 25 year history, but doesn't love other things. She doesn't know if she can get past the affair, but for the kids, for now, she has to stay.  She has to help him get his business on its feet again as he has put them in dire financial straits. Once the finances are in order, she can make a decision.  Will she leave him or will she stay?  

Stay tuned...I know I am...

Contacting the Other Woman (or Man)...

...is an extremely personal choice.  

Some want answers because they feel their cheating spouse has not come clean. Others hurt so much, they want to inflict pain back.  I fell in the latter category.  I was being spiteful.  I wanted to make her hurt and I knew I could, because as much as a psycho she is, she fancied herself in love with my husband and believed he was in love with her.  I knew exactly how to push her buttons and I pushed them incessantly...for months, later hearing from my husband that I got to her.  He didn't have to confirm this, I was sure I had successfully inflicted a little hurt back. And I didn't feel bad, not one little bit.

I haven't had as much interaction on my blog as I thought. I had hoped for an exchange of people in similar situations, however I have had interactions on my twitter account.  Social media can be a double edged sword, but I am grateful for being able to converse with others going through similar experiences.  While it's discouraging that so many are navigating through infidelity, it's comforting to commiserate with others and realize my emotions are 'normal' and I'm not a crazy person one step away from the looney bin.  

In my own personal life, I have learned of a couple affairs within my social groups that I never realized were going on. As a matter of fact, one of my beach friends confided in me a couple of weeks ago that her husband left her last September, the same timeframe when I learned of my husband's affair.  "Lisa's" husband moved with the other woman while all the while professing his love for Lisa, saying he wanted to come home.  As of last week, he ghosted her leaving Lisa confused, devastated and questioning everything.

I mentioned previously that my son's barber recently found out his girlfriend and mother of his one year old daughter had a one night stand with an old acquaintance she met up with while moonlighting as a bartender part-time. He is heartbroken. 

I've read countless blog posts and heard many stories regarding contacting the affair partners (AP). The fact that the issue is between the husband and wife not the AP is absolutely true. However, some of us feel when the AP knows of the spouse and marriage, they share some of the blame.  In my case, the skank had been after my husband for years. In addition, she had two autistic children and the fact she tried to break up my family which also included our 2 autistic sons, make her the lowest scum of the earth.

Some want details from the AP because they feel their spouses haven't been honest. That was never motivation to me, because I would never trust anything this lowlife skank my husband cheated with would say.  

Interaction with the AP can result in additional contact between the cheater and AP.  I do have to admit it happened in my case, however, I didn't care and their conversation did in fact confirm that I got to her.  Another reason for not contacting the AP is that you can behave in a way you normally wouldn't, compromising your integrity.  Well you know what? I didn't care.  I got pleasure in inflicting pain on her. Does that make me a bad person? I never said I was perfect.

As I was working on this post, I received a private message from someone thinking of contacting the other woman and was asked if she could send the message to me to look at.  Quite frankly it was the type of message I would send. My response to her was before you send it, be aware of the possible repercussions and if you feel you still want to send it, go for it.  

Regardless of the repercussions and ramifications, we ultimately have to do what we feel is best for us, what make us feel better and what will help move us further toward recovery. Taking the high road is nice, but although it may be against our normal character, sometimes getting down in the gutter produces the most effective result.  We might not even feel bad about it...

The Fallout...

...came quickly. My husband arrived at the beach to talk.  

"You know I didn't mean it. I wanted to get you off the phone. You blew things up with her."

"Too bad. WTF is wrong with you. You seriously don't know when to shut up. You don't joke around and say you want to go back with her" (Of course he didn't just come up with that out of the blue, I had indeed taunted him with the question of does he wanted to go back with her during our phone call). "Did you talk to her?"

"I talked to her for 1/2 hour before I came down.  She called and told me everything you said. Nice mouth."

Oh, poor baby.  She ran crying to you.  Did she tell on me? You could have just asked me, I'd have been happy to tell you what I said."  Indeed, when I told him some of the particularly nasty things I said, he responded, "No she didn't tell me that."  

He refused to go in detail with their conversation, but said enough for me to gather he in fact had not been in contact with her.  

My renewed anger had been simmering since she had unblocked me on Facebook several weeks before I left for the beach.  She also tried to interact with my husband's business Facebook page either not realizing I was running it for him, or intentionally trying to bust my balls.  I had to keep her unblocked in order to ban her from his page, which I did.  My sons saw her 'likes' on the page and asked 'What is she doing there?'  I was livid. It was only a matter of time before I lost my cool.

My husband told me to stop instigating her.  I informed him that once I had my say, I blocked her and her friends and promised I would not contact her.  He said he told her that I would not be contacting her or posting to inflame and she will do the same. If anything else happened, he would know it came from her.  He claims he told her there would be no more contact between her and me, and her and him.  It was over.  

However, after his surgery last week, I was monitoring his phone for him in the event he had to deal with any work-related issue and a text came in that immediately got my radar up.  Sarcastically toned, it began, 'Really. No response? I'm glad you're happy.'  Then something about 'not catching anything from me', so I knew it was her.  My sons were around, so I couldn't draw attention to the text.  I asked my husband about the text when we were alone and he told me it was her.  He said she'd been texting him after he told her not to contact him.  He claims he never responded and planned to keep ignoring her.  He was at the beach recuperating for the week and she did in fact text and he did not even read them, never mind respond. 

When I first arrived at the beach on June 21, I had publicly posted a status on my Facebook page that I was having drinks with my bartender friend at around 4pm.  So now, my curiosity was peeked and I pulled up the cell phone bill to check the text log.  The skank texted him less than 3 hours later.  I went back and checked and her new number that she doesn't know I know, had occasionally texted him.  After our little interaction, she has been texting him, several times in a block of 5 texts in a one minute time frame.  

So the other day, I said to him I was disappointed in him for not telling me she texted when I left for the beach.  He was angry I checked.  I told him I knew she unblocked me so she could see when I was going to the beach and that she'd call him.  "you promised me you'd tell me if she contacted you." 
 
"I deleted the text and never spoke with her. I didn't even realize the time frame.  I didn't respond or call and I didn't want to set you off."

"You want me to trust you, yet you don't trust me enough to say something.  I am done with her. I said my piece and I don't care whether I got to her or not, but I was holding it in and it wasn't good for me to do that.  Now that I said my piece, she's blocked. I promised you I would not bother with her.  I'm not going to avoid places, stop posting what I normally post or do anything to change my life anymore because of her.  I won't check the cell phone bill. But if you want me to trust you, you have to trust me.  I needed to know that she contacted you when I left."

"Oh you got to her.  Make no mistake about that. You got to her.  She's been texting because of the STD thing and I've been ignoring the texts.  But, I don't need you asking every day if she texted, what she said and then get mad."

"No, I will not ask for details or word for word and I won't ask every day, but I think you should be honest enough to come clean with me if she's texting or calling you. You want trust? Then trust me. The one when I left for the beach was important."  He agreed.  

"I remember the text. I didn't realize it was that soon after you left. She actually asked about some bills she said I had which I didn't have."

"That was just an excuse. She was stalking my page, saw I was here at 4:00 and texted you at 7."  He was genuinely surprised at the timeframe and I know it was true, he is very busy and is not into the details as I am.  

"I know it was an excuse.  I didn't even realize it was only 3 hours after you left. I never responded, I just deleted the text."  

He asked me if I really felt better or was I going to explode again.  I said I actually did feel better and as long as he had faith in me and was honest enough to disclose her either showing up in person or crazy amounts of calls/text, I would be fine, but if I discover any contact on my own, we'll have a problem. He said he understood and would trust me not to go nuts if he confides that information to me.

It's Monday.  He's home and I'm at the beach.  He has to get his stitches out today and work.  I'm taking the kids to the beach.  I wonder if she'll be texting him...

The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth...

...is what I want.  His betrayal struck me right to my core. I questioned my entire marriage and took a massive hit to my self-esteem and pride.  I felt unattractive and unloved, as well as developing anxiety and depression. My emotions were all over the place.  I couldn't eat or sleep. I lived on coffee in the morning and wine at night.  I had to force myself to get up and take the kids to school. I felt like I was losing my mind.  

I asked for details. I needed to know. He provided some disclosure, some omissions and a few outright lies. The trust was gone.  As he began trying to regain my trust over the course of the next five or so months, a new lie was exposed and we were back to square one. After 9 months, I still didn't trust him which caused several meltdowns and the recent Freaky Fridays where all hell broke loose.

Last month I learned that my sons' barber's girlfriend cheated on him.  It was a one night fling with a former boyfriend.  They have a one year old baby together.  He was devastated.  

On Monday, after my husband's first of two surgeries, I took the boys for a haircut. The barber was lamenting over his failing relationship, saying he felt things were over as she did not appear to be trying to rebuild their relationship. He said they were just too different but he really loved her and if God would just come down and tell him that she truly loved him, he would be OK with those differences.

And it got me thinking...  

I remembered hearing that when someone goes under anesthesia, just before they go out it's like a truth serum and they don't remember what they said.  The next day my husband was going under general anesthesia so it would be a good opportunity to test this theory.  

We arrived at the surgical center and I was with my husband when they gave him his IV and started the drugs. He does not tolerate drugs well and was loopy within seconds, babbling incoherently.  Damn, this wasn't going to work.

After the surgery, he mumbled less and seemed more coherent, although he didn't retain much information, asking the same questions over and over.  I didn't want to aggravate him even though he wouldn't remember, so I took the back route.  

"Where's you ring?".  He looked at his hand and saw he had no wedding ring.  He looked distressed.  

I had his wedding ring, so I held it up and asked, "do you want to marry me again?"  He said yes but his finger was swollen a little and he couldn't get the ring on.  He was visibly upset. I was a little surprised at his reaction.

On the way home, he held my hand as I drove and I said to him, "it's all over, everything's fine. I love you."  All of a sudden he started crying like a baby.  I asked him what was wrong, but he kept crying.  I asked him again what was wrong, but he didn't say, dabbing his eyes with a tissue as he sobbed. 

When we were almost home he said, "I'm glad I have you."

We arrived home and I asked again if he wanted to marry me.  He said yes.  We got his ring on.

He asked me lay down with him and wrapped his arms around me.  He said, 'Remember I used to hold you like this in your purple sweatshirt?'.  I said, "yes"  and then, "it's been a tough year so far."  He got teary again and said, "The next 1/2 will be better.  I love you."

He fell asleep and when he woke up several hours later he had very little recollection of our conversations.  I asked him if he remembered crying.  He said he did.  I asked him why he cried and he said, 'because I love you."

And I believed him...

11:11

I consider myself a spiritual person more than a religious one. I was brought up and educated in Catholic school and I do believe in God, but I have digressed as to following strict Catholic doctrine as I've become older.  There are so many religions and so many that believe in God so who's to say which religion is right or wrong.  Frankly, I have been turned off by people, including my own mother who behave as I like to call "Sunday Catholics."  It is imperative that they go to church on Sunday, yet treat people like shit Monday - Saturday.  I prefer to live by the Golden Rule, treat others as you would like to be treated.  I am the first to admit I am not perfect and am not always the nicest person, but I do try. 

That being said, I believe in God and I believe in angels.  I am on the fence about psychics as I feel that some people have a gift and are tuned into things most of us miss. I have sought out psychics a handful of times and felt a couple made some accurate guesses but no earth shattering knowledge was revealed.  One girl that I saw last year however, knew things she just couldn't have known regarding family members who've passed. I felt that she was clearly in tune with the spiritual realm. 

There is a lot written about angel numbers.  It's been said when you see 11 11, make a wish.  Some say 11 11 means there is a window opening in your life and you should ask your angels for help to find out what this window is.  Some say it is your angels sending a sign that they are with you and to stay positive.  In addition, some claim finding pennies, dimes or white feathers are also signs that angels are near.

A couple of years ago, it seemed that every time I glanced at a clock, the time contained an 11.  Frequently, I would see 9:11 and then 11:11 began appearing over and over.  Grocery receipts would show savings of $11.11.  Packages of meat would cost $11.11. In addition, I would see all hours showing 11 (3:11, 9:11, etc.)  As a matter of fact, I would be out with my friends, look at my phone and the time would be something 11.  My friends would be blown away when I showed them the time.

Once June, 2016 approached, the 11's came furiously.  I would always see 11:11.  I would snap a screenshot twice a day. I saw 11's everywhere, so much so, I googled what it meant.  The following paragraph from The Elephant Journal, written by Kate Rose, resonated with me, but only after the affair had been discovered...

"11:11 is the universe’s way of urging us to pay attention to our heart, our soul and our inner intuition. It’s serving as a wake-up call to us so that opportunities are not missed in this lifetime. Seeing this particular sequence means that the universe is trying to have us open our eyes and begin paying more attention to the synchronicities around us."

I knew my marriage was failing.  I sensed a change was coming, but while divorce was a very real option, I never expected my husband was having an affair.  The 11's were overwhelming, on license plates, store receipts, every single day I would see 11:11 in the morning and at night without even trying.  Everywhere I looked was 11.  

I discovered his affair in September and the 11's virtually stopped...until a couple of weeks before the beach, early June, 2017.  The 11's started coming again, not as furiously as before, but with increasing frequency.  This has been a bit unnerving as I have not figured out why.  Could it be because I needed to confront the skank?  Is he doing something he shouldn't be doing? Am I being paranoid because this is the anniversary of when the affair started?  

I haven't figured it out yet.  But as I am writing this post, I realize today is 7/11...

The Showdown...

WARNING:  This post contains an awful lot of vulgar, in the gutter language as well as sexual references.  Don't get me wrong, I am not apologizing in the least, just forewarning.  I told my husband previously that I am not always the bigger person and I have no problem getting in the gutter (or redefining it) if I feel it appropriate.  Please move on if this offends you.

I finally had it out with the skank last weekend, not in person or over the phone, but rather by the written word. Some say don't confront the other person it won't make you feel better. It made me feel a hell of a lot better. As a matter of fact, I feel great finally having my say. I may even be able to put this to rest and finally move on instead of feeling stuck. I wish I had done it sooner. Had I seen this, which popped up on my twitter feed a few days later, I would have added it to the conversation.

It had been another Freaky Friday. I was at the beach, my husband was home. My friends and I were at a clam shack with a bar that we like to frequent when down at the beach. Another friend of mine bartends on Fridays. We had a fun evening, home by 10 and then my husband called.  I didn't like his attitude. I should have hung up at some point, but instead we began sharing barbs. The two trains picked up momentum, aiming towards a head on collision and I was unable or unwilling to stop it.  I made a comment about him wanting to be with her and he said yes, he wanted to go back with her.  It went downhill from there.

I told him I was going to contact her.  He said 'go ahead. Text her, call her.'  And that's exactly what I did.  First I texted the last number I knew was hers.  

The text - Saturday, July 1 at 1:38am:

He's all yours Kimba.  Give him a call.  He's at this office with his swollen hemorrhoids and his herpes which you so thoughtfully gave him.  My medical records came out clean, but guess what? His didn't.  Nice job you dirty fucking skank.  You have him.  Good luck enjoy.

So was it good?  Because he said he couldn't even get it up with you, you fucking dirty bitch.

Told me all about your drug use you fucking pothead and your drinking you fucking lush and all your fucking psycho meds you crazy fucking bitch.  He didn't think too much of you and your mothering skills but oh well, you want him so bad you don't even care.  He threw you under the bus because you're such a fucking dirty skank.  The two of you belong together and it will be a nasty divorce. I hope you're prepared to get your own attorney when I fucking subpoena your medical records for your herpes your dirty fucking bitch.  

Go get him.  But what you get is not going to be much because by the time you get him he's going to have nothing.

Since I wasn't sure if the phone number had changed after her divorce and she did not respond, I went to a post from January where her idiot friend made a comment directed at me about being a control freak. And I began my rant with some of the above text. There were a couple of screenshots I took, but most of this part is recounted from memory as I was manic, furious and dictating like a crazy person from my phone and did not screen shoot the conversation. 

You gave my husband herpes you dirty disgusting bitch. You want him you dirty skank, go ahead, he's in his office now, give him a call.

On her scumbag friend's control freak comment I wrote:

I'm not nor ever been a control freak. Your slut friend gave my husband herpes.  You are a piece of shit friend for encouraging her to go after a married man. If you were a true friend you would have told her she shouldn't be pursuing him instead of condoning it. 

There was no response for about 6 hours.  Evidently a few of her friends must have seen the comments and said something to her because she posted something to the effect of:

OK people, nothing here, just a little drama.

So I responded:

No skank, not drama, you gave my husband herpes you skank, you disgusting fucking whore. Go ask him you fucking dirty bitch. You can have him with his herpes, hemorrhoids and skin cancer too.  Call him.  He'll tell you.  But wait, maybe not, because you already know you have it you dirty fucking bitch.

Her next comment was to the effect that I was lying about the herpes. My response:

You want proof, I can text you photos of his prescriptions you dirty whore. I went to the doctor and got checked out when I found about you. I was clean. But guess what.  He had this creeping oozing crud.  Twice. Poor baby. Three prescriptions from CVS. You'd better go to the doctor and get checked out before you spread herpes all over the state with your dirty cunt although I don't know who would want to fuck you you dirty whore.  Who else did you give it to? Maybe the Swedish guy?

You have a ball and chain on him, You won't let me talk to him. 

No one controls my husband. Go ahead. Call him. He can tell you.  He probably ran over to your house anyway.

You know where I live, why don't you come by and see if he's here.

Don't waste my time. He's probably there anyway, he probably went running over last night. You can have him Kimba.

You're at the beach, why are you bothering with me?

You insinuated yourself in my life when you decided to fuck my husband.

You and your friend are dumber than a box of rocks. The karma posts weren't about your karma, they were about my husband. He had that creeping crud on him.  He had to get 3 prescriptions from CVS and I was laughing my ass off.  You gave him his karma. You gave him the gift that keeps on giving. You gave him herpes you dirty skank.  But I  know you knew you had it.  Did you figure he'd have to stay with you if he passed it along? #karmadoescome #ifyoureluckygodletsyouwatch #imaluckygirl

He threw you under the bus. Told me all about your drug use, drinking, crazy pills. He said your mothering skills weren't that great. Was it good for you.  It wasn't for him. He told me he couldn't get it up or stay hard with you.  Why don't you go smoke a joint, put a straw in a bottle of wine and take your crazy pills and then maybe you can get it up. 

As we went back and forth, I don't even remember what she said.  She kept it pretty clean but I could tell at first she thought I was just making it up.  I think as the 'conversation' went on, she got a little alarmed that I was being truthful.

You think he wants a pot smoking, drunk whore who's on a litany of meds?  Did you honestly think he would ever be with you? 

He's the one you've always wanted since the moment you met him. And you gave him the ultimate gift, the gift that keeps on giving, herpes.  Great memories he'll aways have for you. He'll be thinking of you a lot. You gave him herpes you skank. 


Your scumbag friend made the comment about working on my marriage, but it's hard enough to deal with problems in a marriage without a fucking skank trying to get in the way.  

And sweety, if we get divorced you'll be called in for a deposition because I want your medical records to see if you've ever taken any creams or medication for genital or oral herpes. Although the photos you post all over Facebook with the crap around your mouth are pretty telling.

#stdqueen #skank

Isn't it nice to do this on Facebook instead of face to face because you are a fucking weasel snake piece of shit that runs and hides behind her big mouth friends and doesn't have the balls to talk in person. I don't know why you keep posting pictures with all that crud around your mouth. Gross

Are you done" I want to make sure I have a copy of everything you have written!

Go ahead. We'll be going over it in depositions as well.  Copy it all Kimba.

So basically that was it.  There are before posts leading up to this that I am working on as well as the subsequent post to my rant when she ran crying to my husband.