Rumination

is defined as the "compulsively focused attention on the symptoms of one's distress, and on its possible causes and consequences, as opposed to its solutions".

I learned about the meaning of rumination when we began addressing my son's anxiety.  His doctor explained he was ruminating, thinking over and over about situations at school that caused him anxiety.  As my husband and I were discussing this, I realized I had been ruminating as well. I was then able to step into my son's shoes and understand how he was thinking which ended up being instrumental in ultimately identifying his distress and finding viable solutions.

In my particular case, I was focussing my attention on 'the skank' and my husband's initial refusal to completely sever all ties. I would replay (ruminate) past situations over and over, only with different outcomes.  It was like watching a movie several times and expecting different outcomes in your head.

I also created meetings with 'the skank' in my mind. Randomly running into her was quite realistic as we both shopped at some of the same stores. I would play out the conversation I would have with her.  Over and over, I would 'rehearse' what I would say, getting meaner and nastier every time. Stress caused me to lose 10 pounds in less than two weeks.  I had no appetite and all I could do was obsess. Combined with concern over my son's issues, my anxiety peaked to an overwhelming level.

I tried to make an appointment with a psychiatrist because I felt that medication would be appropriate at this time. After contacting several offices, I was informed the earliest new patient appointments were at least two months away. I pushed through the day constantly on the verge of tears.I survived on coffee and one small meal per day.  I didn't speak with my friends. And I played conversations, scenarios and past events over and over and over in my head.

Speaking with my husband one morning quickly escalated a discussion into an argument.  Both of us were frustrated and he said he didn't know if I could ever get past the affair. It was at this point I demanded we put the past in the past if we were going to move forward and that included her.  If he couldn't do that, I told him just tell me and I will go forward with the divorce. And finally, he got it.  

His decision to cut the ties with 'the skank' and working together to find solutions for our son's issues, resulted in my anxiety lessening. I did not need to pursue a medication course of treatment.  

It's so bizarre to actually admit that if my husband hadn't cheated, we would have mutually agreed to divorce, both believing the marriage was damaged beyond repair. And additionally, another by-product of his affair, my anxiety, was instrumental in identifying and helping obtain the proper treatment for my son.  

But I still wish it hadn't happened...