In My Eyes

My husband prides himself on what a good person he is.  He always does the right thing. He'll give a homeless person a couple of dollars.  He once saw a blind man walking in the middle of the street, got out of his car and walked with him to the convenience store.  He's a considerate husband and father.  He took care of his elderly parents. 

He conducts himself with the utmost respect for everyone and has boasted on more than one occasion that no one could ever speak a bad word about him.  He dresses impeccably.  He picks up papers up and down our street every morning before going to work so they don't blow into our yard.  I always have to let him know if any of my friends are coming by so he can make sure the house and yard looks not only presentable, but pristine.

He sees himself of the highest moral character and integrity. He prides himself on possessing these traits, to the extent of portraying a 'holier than thou' attitude at times.  And I always thought highly of him.  Even when our situation was deteriorating and the subject of divorce would come up, I always told my best friend that I could never cheat on him, he deserved better than that from me.  I wanted to be able to divorce him and say it was because of the way he was treating me and not due to someone else.  The sheer thought of him cheating was ludicrous. In my eyes he was such an honorable man. He would NEVER cheat.  Surprise on me!

He has taken 100% responsibility for cheating.  There is enough blame on both our parts to go around for the misperceptions and communication issues that eroded our marriage.  We both have been working on better communication and he's gone above and beyond to show me every day how much I mean to him.  He is trying to help me get past the trust issue and encourages me to speak with him when I am feeling insecure so we can talk through it.  Most of the time, I believe we will get through this and he will regain my trust.  

But there is one thing that will never, ever be the same. I can never fully accept him as the honorable, ethical, principled man he prides himself to be.  That man would never have broken his vows under any circumstance. When things were at their worst, he was weak. He fell off his pedestal. He prides himself on living up to the highest of standards, on always doing the right thing. He is quick to criticize those that don't, which he says constitutes most of the population.  And no matter how much he tries to make things up to me, no matter how much money he gives to homeless people, no matter how many blind people he walks to the store, no matter how great a husband and father he is, when the chips were down and it was time to really show what kind of a man he truly is, he did.