As I Try To Put the Affair in the Past

...somedays I want to slap the shit out of my husband when he makes idiotic comments like he did today.  We were having dinner without the kids and the subject came up as it often does.  Usually he will say something that will elicit a smart ass remark from me related to 'the skank' or the affair.  

Tonight the comment was somewhere along the lines about how lucky I am to have a guy like him.  And I looked at him and said, 'oh really'.  

And the discussion began.  We went from him taking responsibility for what he did, to now declaring that I only discuss his fault and I don't take responsibility for what I did to our marriage.  My response to that is that we both acknowledged our parts in the demise of our marriage, but the affair was 100% on you.  And his view was that if I didn't do what I did, he never would have gone there.  He said he was done with the marriage and that's why he did it. 

I wrote a post earlier where I described him as being of the highest moral character, a man of integrity.  When he takes the stance he did tonight, I realize that the only way he can justify his behavior and still retain his high opinion of himself is to deflect blame on me.  While he says he is 100% responsible for his decision to cheat, that decision was because of what I did, because the marriage was done in his mind. 

He says I like to tell everyone it's all his fault and give a one sided opinion. He said I don't tell anyone what I did.  He's so wrong. It takes two people to make or break a marriage.  There are always two sides to every story. I have owned my part in our marriage falling apart.  I was nasty as fuck and in the last two years I fought with him, sometimes in response to his horrid comments. Sometimes I initiated spiteful behavior myself because I was in no mood to deal with him, but I refuse to take any responsibility for him choosing to take the coward's way out and cheat, rather than either trying to fix things, or being man enough to leave.

We would most likely not be in the position of reconciling if the events unfolded any differently. But I am disheartened by the fact that he cannot overcome his pride. He will admit the affair was 100% his choice in one breath and then say he never would have done it if not for my part in the marital problems.  The marital problems were one issue.  The affair was another issue.  Not everyone who has marital problems cheats.