Time Keeps On Ticking...

 ...and I've started digging again.

After a relatively wonderful summer, albeit a few little bumps, (massive sinkholes), the end of August is approaching.  September brings a brand new school year and the one year anniversary of when I discovered my husband's affair.  It was September 19 to be exact.  

I have always remembered dates and have a bizarre memory when it comes to dates.  It is actually a shame that it had to be on a 19th.  We were engaged on a 19th.  We were married on a 19th.  And I caught him fucking around on a 19th.  

Now home from our summer adventures, he's been trying to catch up at work and has been working late. Given the close proximity to D-day, my imagination and suspicions have been working overtime and then some.  Regressing, I begin with the cell phone bill.  I log into my alternate social media accounts and look for the fake accounts I know she is using to stalk my Facebook and Instagram.

Last month, I learned of another cell phone number.  I saw a sarcastic toned text come in and I asked my husband who it was, suspecting it was her.  He didn't try to hide it, his response being 'who do you think'.  I made a note of the number and checked it later on spydialer.com.  For those who don't know of this site, spydialer.com is a free website to check up phone numbers. It can access the name, photo and even voice mail of a number.  I checked the skank's number. Spydialer said it was "Kim".  So I played the voicemail, prompting a phone call from Reno, NV to Kimba's phone. I spy dialed myself and when I called back the Reno number, it was a creepy voice saying, "You've been spy dialed."  Hilarious!  I did it a few more times over the past few weeks when I got pissy.  Spy dialer  is not always 100% accurate with the name option as found out a couple of times when checking other numbers on my husbands cell phone log. So I tried it with my cousin's phone. The name was different, but when my cousin & I selected the voicemail option, we had the sound bite of her voicemail.  

I assumed the skank's new number was relatively recent.  I was wrong.  When I reviewed the cell phone bill from last summer, Kimba not only called from the Florida cell phone number I knew about, but supplemented those calls with another local cell phone number, the same one she began texting him with in July.  That seriously pissed me off.  So I continued digging deeper.

I had not been able to find her best friend's Instagram account but I knew the two of them had been following my feed. I found her first account months ago and blocked, it was a private account.  I found a second account before we left for vacation but couldn't confirm at that time it was her.

Last night I pulled up my son's old Instagram account opened solely for a social studies project.  I revisited that second account which she has now been using as her primary account.  I screenshot all her followers and people she followed, then reviewed them one by one.  I found her sister in law who followed her third account. I found her best friend's account as well as the friend's daughter's account. I found two Facebook accounts for the daughter as well and blocked the whole bunch.  But I had a feeling there was more, so I searched Kimba with the last 4 numbers of that 'new' phone.  Bingo.  No followers, no following, no picture.  BLOCKED.

She thinks I'm a stalker - I say I'm thorough.  She's already become so paranoid that she took off the 'add friend' button off her Facebook and hid all her friends.  Don't get me wrong, I don't actually care if she sees what I publicly post.  Truth be told, I post some of it solely for her benefit.  I only block her to make it more difficult, to make her nervous and let her know who she's dealing with. Let her think I'm a stalker and that I'm psycho. Let her obsess how I find out what I know. As my husband has said on multiple occasions, "she's not too bright."

Finding these accounts just bolters my take on the situation with my husband.  He seems to be growing uneasy with the level she is reaching to stalk me. I've told him all along how she's played the whole thing, meeting resistance at first.  Now he's seeing her manipulations first hand and I do get satisfaction in 'proving' my intuition was right, telling him what her next move will be and having it proven correct, although I would have given anything for this not to have happened in the first place.  I've confessed to my husband the posts I've used to draw her out.  He's even admitted to getting a kick out of it (to a degree) because it shows that I love him.  Given his gigantic need to have his ego stoked, I can see how he believes that to be true. This infidelity thing has sucked the life out of me and I sometimes don't know what I am truly feeling anymore. Is it love? Is it territorial? I have my own pride and ego too. 

In any case, I am feeling more stressed, more anxiety and I am revisiting places I really don't want to go.  While driving today, my mind wandered  to that night I discovered my husband's car parked a block away from her house.  As I drove home, I began imagining what might have happened that night if I smashed his windshield, or even backed my car into his as I would have liked to, leaving a note to not come home. I fantasize about just packing up and leaving him only the kids had just started school two weeks before. I couldn't just take them out in the middle of the night and I couldn't leave them.  I play the scenario of what if... what if I found out before school started... what if I confronted them the night the Find My Phone app put them in a restaurant when I was at photography class...what if I dumped all his clothes and things on her front lawn...what if I pounded on her front door instead of walking away.

We made progress in reconnecting over the summer. We enjoyed each other's company, even discovering up a new common hobby, tennis, that we both enjoy.  We have been working together as a team to try and resurrect his neglected business.  However, in spite of that, he will always fall short of the highly principled, honest, integrity laden man he always portrayed himself to be. I don't envision him ever gaining that prestige back in my eyes, because had he truly possessed those qualities, he never would have cheated in the first place.  Mr. Integrity.  Mr Perfect. Mr. Honest. Mr. Family Man. Mr. "I'm Better Than 99% of the Guys Out There" Mr. "We Had a Real Marriage" (Really??). 

And that is the crux of it. I can't see myself ever getting past the fact that he cheated.

This can't be productive. Will it ever end?