After our rocky first week and me going psycho on the skank, our second week was uneventful with beach time limited due to unreliable weather. My husband's surgery consumed the third week, first spending 3 days at home, then the rest of the week with him staying at the beach to recuperate.
While we enjoyed some family time together, my normal beach routine was thrown out the window. There was no early morning coffees on the beach, no reading, and virtually no photography. Sure I packed all my lenses and tripod, but for the most part, it was my iPhone camera that I utilized the most. To my chagrin, I missed a fabulous photo opportunity on the Fourth of July, when a huge ferry passed under exploding fireworks. While I captured the shot on my phone, it would have been exponentially more awesome had I used my Nikon.
Additionally this summer, I spent almost no time with my friends. Last year was filled with boat rides, dinners, beach days and happy hours, while this year, money was tight and we stayed home and ate in. I only would go for a drink on the days my friend was bartending at a local clam shack. We didn't travel too far from the house because frankly I was afraid to drive my car any distance as it needs major repair work. I saw two of my closest friends with whom we spent countless hours with last year, once...both for a short period of time.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed being at the beach, that will never change. But my routine changed, and I loved my old routine. I didn't much like the new routine, but couldn't bring myself to do what I loved. I've changed. And I don't like the changes. I don't like the fact that I don't enjoy the things that have always made me feel alive and joyful. I don't like the fact that I couldn't force myself to reach out more to my friends. I don't like that I feel like a shell of myself. I used to be described as fun. I was the life of the party. I was the 'fun mom'. I don't feel like that anymore.
I don't wallow in self-pity, more like it passes fleetingly by. Frequently.
I am not myself.
Is it because from June - September, 2016 he was having his affair? The triggers come fast and sometimes out of nowhere.
Is it because next week is our yearly family week vacation and he was fucking her during our family vacation last year? To me, last year's entire vacation was fake. He acted like we were a family and all the time he was fucking her. He took family photos with the kids and me while he was still in an active relationship with her.
He keeps telling me we're going to have a good time. Hopefully, I will be able to tell myself the same thing.
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