Rebuilding trust after an affair is a tedious process, with both progression and regression, one step forward, two steps back. However, in order to rebuild trust, there needs to be disclosure. Full disclosure.
The betrayed partner needs to feel secure in the fact that they are indeed the priority. When lies are exposed later down the road, the betrayal resets, any progress erased in a blink of an eye.
We've been playing that game now for almost 11 months now. While I am relatively certain he has been forthcoming finally for most issues, there is one thing he refuses to disclose...her attempts to contact him, calls and texts. Not texts from during the affair, there were none. They kept their contact to phone calls as he wanted no chance of text records being subpoena'd with her in the midst of a nasty divorce. It's the recent texts I want. I don't have to physically see them, I just want him to be forthcoming and tell me about them. It's my phone bill, I'm sure my attorney has some of my retainer left and I can have my own records subpoena'd and find out every single word. I don't want that. I want my husband to tell me what was the picture/video text she sent him last week days after she showed up at his office and he informed her not to contact either me or him. Or what was the text she sent 3 days ago? What was in the litany of texts she sent after I went psycho on her in the beginning of July, (he did say those happened and were in direct result of my contacting her).
After the skank and I 'interacted', he told me they had spoken for about half an hour (40 minutes per the phone bill) and that she had been texting him after with him not responding. He said it was about the std thing and she was trying to defend herself to him. I didn't ask to see anything at that point, made perfect sense to me.
I saw a text after his surgery while he was loopy and my son and I were checking his phone. We could only see the numbers coming in and the number with the first few lines of any text. And I saw a new number with "Really?! No response? I hope you're happy. And you didn't catch anything from me..." She was upset, poor baby...
Again, he was forthcoming in admitting it was her. I made a mental note of the number. He reiterated that he ignored her texts. I told him to do what he told me to do...block her. He said he knew how to 'deal with her' because she's crazy.
Backtrack to June 21, when my sons and I moved into the beach house. I stopped by the local clam shack/bar where my friend bartended. I told my husband that the skank had unblocked me to find out when I was at the beach so she could contact him. I also told him I wanted to know if she contacted him. He agreed to tell me. At approximately 4:30pm, I posted publicly that I was there. It was a test. A test for her and a test for him.
I asked him several times over the course of the first three weeks at the beach if she had in fact contacted him. He said no. I was torn between believing him and not. He had in fact told her not to call him on his cell phone, and given the fact he spent more time at the beach than he ever had, I thought perhaps she tried the office and he just wasn't there. My gut instinct told me she had tried. And now I had her new number. So I did what a trusting person would do...snoop.
I went to June 21 on the cell phone bill. At 7:13pm and 7:14pm, there were texts from her new phone number. She failed the test, as I knew she would. I was however profoundly disappointed that my husband failed as well, and I told him so. I told him I knew she would contact him when I was gone. I didn't actually think it would be within 3 hours, but she's pretty pathetic. 'You promised you would tell me if she contacted you and you didn't.' He promptly got defensive because I am supposed to trust him and not be checking up on him. "if I have to live my life with you checking up on me and accounting for my every move, then it's not worth it."
Eventually we got past that nonsense and he said he ignored her texts and that since he didn't speak with her, he didn't feel he had to tell me. He said he knew I'd be upset and he didn't want to upset me. He had already acknowledged the texts from July saying she would probably continue because she'd drink/smoke too much and then send something, but reiterated that he was ignoring her and letting her leave a trail in case she was to say something crazy about him which could affect his professional career. He also said he didn't realize it was only 3 hours after I arrived at the beach that she texted.
My response to him is yes I would be pissed, but at least you would have been honest and I wouldn't have to be suspicious. Again, he acknowledged that fact but said she will probably keep doing it and 'I don't feel I should have to tell you about ever single text.' (oh yes you do, but I let it go at that time).
Two weeks ago, he came down to the beach and told me she showed up at his office. He said she gained a lot of weight back (she'd had the gastric bypass surgery several years ago). He said one of her sons was moving away and he got the feeling she wasn't too happy. I asked if she said anything about wanting him back. He said no, she wasn't interested in being with anyone at the moment. (yeah right). He said she told him I was psycho. She was a little freaked out that I knew so much about her. She asked him if I was a stalker? (no bitch, I'm thorough). He told her that I went to the courthouse and looked up her divorce file. She was shocked. He told her I knew all about the prescription drugs, marijuana and alcohol. He told her I knew things before they even happened. She already thought I was tracking him all the time, so hearing all this evidently made her a little nervous. I believe if he still had any loyalty to her or was hiding anything, he would have also told her I knew her new phone number and not to text him, just call the office. But given the fact the texts still kept coming, I have to assume she doesn't know that little tidbit. He told her to stay away from me and he told her I was likewise told to leave her alone. I asked him if she said anything about the herpes as she had bombarded him with texts earlier saying she didn't have any std and was going to get checked. He said it never came up and he didn't go there. Well, if she got checked and didn't feel the need to 'prove' to him she didn't have it, I have to assume her test came back positive.
He told her not to contact him anymore, that he loved me and his family and they were over. He told her we had been in a bad place and he shouldn't have gone with her but it was done and he was committed to me and his family.
But a few days later, she sent him a text. The cell phone bill showed 'received' and referred to it as a picture/video text. The day before I left from the beach, she texted him again. No return text was sent.
But I'm not supposed to know about these texts because I am supposed to trust him and not check the cell phone bill.
This morning, as I was halfway through writing this piece, he and I spoke. I told him that sometimes I would reflect on things we previously discussed in order to fully process them. I went back to the fact he didn't tell me she texted him when I left for the beach. I told him I could not fully trust him if he didn't disclose when she called or texted. I explained how I intuitively knew she was still trying to contact him and what I imagined she might be saying was most likely worse than what was actually being said. I told him I couldn't fully trust him if he didn't come clean. By disclosing when she contacted him, I would begin to regain the feeling that we were a team. By not disclosing, I felt I was not a priority and that there was lingering loyalty to her. The loyalty should belong exclusively to me. And whether or not I liked what she said, I needed to know. If I was angry, too bad, he needed to let me process it and be understanding of my emotions. By freely offering me the information, eventually, I would stop feeling like I needed it. I told him he needed to deal with me on my emotional level, not his logical level. He seemed to get it. He agreed to what I asked. I didn't ask to see his phone or the texts, just tell me when she contacts him and what she says.
He then admitted she called him the other day, the day before I left the beach. (same day as her last text). She asked, "Is your wife still at the beach?". He said, 'yes, but she's coming home tomorrow.' She said she was planning on going to the beach with some friends and didn't want to go if I was going to be there because she didn't want to run into me. I actually laughed about it, she got really spooked by me poking around her business. She changed her Facebook settings although she's not to bright and still left some things public. She took the add friend button off which I found amusing, I have no intention of sending her a friend request. She hid her friends list, but I already know who they are. She thinks I'm crazy. Good, let's keep her on her toes.
While I don't have access to my husband's office phone activity, I have access to his cell phone activity, his social media accounts and his email. Therefore, if my husband complies with my 'text' request, I believe this is the last hurdle to deal with and perhaps we can move forward a little more smoothly and finally begin to rebuild my trust in him.
No comments:
Post a Comment