...I was riding my bike on our local bike path. I rode nearly 20 miles that day and stopped for an ice cream at the nearby ice cream shop which had not yet closed for the season. September was very warm, the weather was absolutely gorgeous. On the way home, I detoured to drop off some mail at the post office and while at a red light, I snapped the most flattering, gorgeous selfie I had ever taken. Before I even returned home, I changed my Facebook and Instagram profile pictures.
Summer had been a blast! My sons and I spent six weeks at the beach. We were out with friends every day and night. There were full moons, boat rides, drinks, summer food, eating out. We were living the life.
My husband and I weren't on the best of terms. We would constantly argue. He was very critical of everything I did and I nit picked him to death. He really didn't spend much time at the beach with us, which was fine with me.
We went on our yearly weekly 'family' vacation in early August and then spent the remainder of that month preparing for school. Being self-employed, my husband frequently worked late and being backed up from our vacation, I thought nothing of his absence at home. I attributed it to him catching up.
This September 13, as I snapped my carefree selfie while basking in the warm September sun and later relaxing with a bottle of wine and dinner with a friend, I had no idea that less than a week later, my whole world would turn upside down.
I discovered the affair six days later, on September 19.
This past month has been rough. I've been on edge. I've polished off a little too much wine. And I've cried myself to sleep.
Things had been coming to a head last September. My marriage was dead. Sometimes I acknowledge had we just agreed to a divorce, we would have now been in the process of going our separate ways. Practically speaking, on the one hand, the affair saved our marriage. However, as a person who values loyalty and trust as paramount, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that he cheated. I cut my sister, brother and mother out of my life because of their lack of loyalty towards me and my family. If I could cut them out, I sure as hell could cut my husband out of my life as well.
Loyalty. That word means everything to me. Without loyalty, there is no trust. Without trust, there is no love. I stood with my husband against my family. He loved me. He was loyal to me. I trusted him. Even when we fought, when things were terrible between us, I trusted him. Implicitly. Completely. I would have bet my life on his loyalty. Had it ever come to that, I would have been dead.
I'm still reeling. I'm still hurt. And I wonder if it really is just because of what he did, or because I allowed myself to be so blinded by my faith in him, my trust in him. Is my anger driven by his actions or my disappointment in myself for being so stupid. Things were bad. I had the same opportunity to stray as he did. I chose not to. I couldn't bear to do that to him, to risk hurting him so profoundly if he would have found out. I hated him. I could have cheated. I didn't. How could he?
How could he? I cannot wrap my head around that. It's been almost a year and I have made no progress in accepting his choice, his decision to cheat.
I always said if he ever cheated, we'd be over. But for all intents and purposes, we were over, just not with a formal separation or divorce. When I found out about his affair I immediately filed for divorce, but ultimately I didn't leave. And it behooves me to admit that if I was in a better financial position, or if I didn't have the kids to consider, I surely would have left him. I have no doubt in my mind about that fact. While I've loved my husband since I met him, he betrayed me in the worst possible way. He showed me his lack of loyalty. When the going got tough, he got going to another woman. His words were shit. His actions revealed all.
So here's my conundrum in a nutshell as I sit here, six days from the first anniversary of D-day. Without loyalty there is no trust. Without trust, there is no love, at least not totally, because I do love him. Or do I? How can I love someone I don't trust?
How the hell am I going to get past this?
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