...after discovering my husband's affair finds me sitting on the deck, on an Indian summer Sunday. I spent most of the morning cooking and doing some laundry and now I've poured myself a cold cider drink and started reflecting on the other members of this infidelity club that I've met along the way.
I began The Queen Is In blog, my Dolly Allen Facebook and Twitter accounts sometime in April, 2017. I had discovered my husband's affair the previous September (2016) and started writing as therapy to release some of the myriad of emotions I was feeling. I have interacted with several women (and men) living through similar betrayals. We all have experienced or are currently experiencing nearly identical emotions. Our D-Day stories differ somewhat but our partners' excuses and behavior along with our discovery and subsequent investigative processes all seem to mirror each other. There have been times I felt that my situation was so different, but after reading others' tweets and stories, I recognized my husbands actions, my reactions, the AP stories all melded together. Of course some details were different, but there were so many similar aspects as well.
During my own betrayal time frame, two longtime friends have likewise experienced their own D-Days. I had a lengthy conversation with 'Kathy' last Sunday. We were talking and she said 'you know, it was a year ago today that I found out.' I actually didn't believe it, I would have sworn it was a week or two later. She found out around 10am on September 18 - I found out at 3am that night (Sept 19).
When I woke up that morning at 3am, I wrote about just remembering the Find My Phone app out of the blue. But it wasn't that random after all. As Kathy reminded me, she came over to my house devastated about finding her significant other of over 20 years with another woman, in their home. She had caused damage to the bed and took a bag with some gifts she had given him over the years out of the house...along with his cell phone. She went through the phone, reading texts and viewing pictures they sent to each other. Then she came to me. I told her about Find My Phone feature and we activated it on his phone right then and there. To this day, she still tracks him via Find My Phone. He is oblivious to the fact that she is tracking him Somehow, at 3am, when I was in a sleep-induced fog, I thought of Find My Phone. It must have been due to assisting Kathy earlier that Sunday.
Kathy is living in her own apartment but has no access to her home or possessions. Jim filed a restraining order against her and locked her out of their jointly owned house. While my husband offered her legal advice back in November, she refused to follow it and wound up with a host of legal issues, mostly caused by her own hand.
My friend Liz lived with her boyfriend then husband for 33 years. I met her a year after they had been living together. A couple of years ago, their teenaged daughter found porn on his computer. A few months earlier, Liz suspected he was having an affair with a woman a few houses down from them, but he calmed her fears at the time. When the porn was disclosed they fought, revisited the 'affair' down the street and began counseling. One day, as he was packing for one of his many business trips overseas, the pharmacy called to say his Viagra was ready to be picked up. Liz said to me, "WTF does he need Viagra for when she picked up a prescription for him the week before. Liz began looking for evidence while he was away and found not only one, but two burner phones. He moved out last year and around the same time I discovered my husband's affair, she learned Paul had a girlfriend...and a 2 year old son. Liz is in the process of a very nasty divorce. Paul is a narcissist and a sex addict. He has caused physical damage to Liz' property, filed for custody of their teenage daughter, withheld insurance funding to fix a damaged, leaking roof and is generally acting like a royal prick.
I want to hear others' stories. I need to know about their experiences, how they discovered their spouses' affairs, how they are coping, how their spouse is either sorry or the relationship is over. When my personal journey began, I thought my situation was so very different from others, yet as I plow through and listen to others, there are so many similarities to the stories, emotions, pain. Things he said to me sounded so sincere, yet I discovered many others' husbands recited the same words. Is it a fucking script? Did someone write a cheaters' handbook that we don't know about?
Infidelity causes such profound pain. Sane people become insane when they learn of their partners' betrayals. And why wouldn't we? The people we entrusted our hearts to so blatantly and easily threw them aside for what? A momentary thrill? Reluctance to work on a struggling relationship? A strong person stands by their morals, keeps their vows. These weak men (and women) are selfish, thinking only of themselves and their pleasure, ultimately thrusting their betrayed partners in the throes of heartbreak and emotional suffering. I read a blog post earlier today where the woman expressed the fact that she would rather have lost her husband to death rather than cheating, at least she wouldn't have lost her respect for him. I can honestly relate to that statement.
Yesterday I posted, Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater, asking the question do you believe that's true. Again I ask, Do you believe that is always the case?
I struggle daily with not only that question, but with the knowledge that things will never be the same. I will never fully trust him. I have lost respect for a man who considered himself to be of the highest moral character. I also wonder sometimes if there is something better out there for me. Someone better. Someone who honors wedding vows, who keeps promises, who lives up to his own self-imposed high standards. I want to be with someone who respects me because lets face it, a cheater couldn't possibly cheat if he/she respects their spouse. Is there something better out there? Don't I deserve someone better? Or am I living in the mentality my husband was in, the grass is greener elsewhere?
And this my friends is the joy of infidelity... the constant flip-flop, the highs and lows, the bipolar days.
One year and a week later, I wonder if I am making the right decision in staying, or should I just bite the bullet and end it...
No comments:
Post a Comment