Once a Cheater, Always A Cheater...

But does this old adage stand true?  

Most people will forcefully pronounce if your partner cheated on you once, they'll do it again.  While this statement may very well be true in most cases, I don't believe it's true 100% of the time.  

Experiences with certain groups of people have formulated our opinions, justifying us to generalize. But deep down, even as we utter the words, we understand there are always exceptions to the rule. I never been one to believe you can categorize people into neat little piles. How many times have we heard...All Italians are mobsters. All Irish are drunks. All lawyers are sleezy. All politicians  are corrupt. All cheaters will cheat again.

I don't believe in generalizations. I don't believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. There is plenty of studies that show this is predominantly true, but not 100% true. Sometimes good people make bad choices. Human beings are not perfect and they make mistakes. Unless circumstances change, I believe my husband falls into this category.

We were in a bad place, both of us feeling unloved, lonely, plodding through a loveless marriage for the sake of our children. I was seriously talking about divorce, even calling a former work colleague in March, 2016 who was an attorney.  I had spoken with him briefly about how unhappy I was and asked for a divorce attorney referral as I had to be careful not to tip off my husband, who is also an attorney.  I can completely understand my husband's mentality to do what he did, yet I can't understand how he could have done what he did. In our talks over the past year, he confessed several times that he wanted me to find out. He felt the marriage was dead and he was emotionally disconnected from me. That mentality justified his affair.  He didn't care if I found out, and even stated he wanted me to find out because it would force me to do something.  Coward.

I read two of Caroline Madden, PhD's books, Blindsided By His Betrayal (Surviving the Shock of Your Husband's Infidelity) and Fool Me Once (Should I Take Back My Cheating Husband).  Check them out, they are quick reads and were quite helpful to me.  I was able to identify the type of affair to a combination of Unmet Emotional Needs and Exit Strategy Affair. Without even having to fill out the questionnaire, my husband had pretty much admitted to the mentality in each of the above-cited affairs. 

I am just as responsible in the breakdown of our marriage. We both contributed. And no, I am not justifying the affair, he NEVER should have gone there. However, our problems were ultimately responsible for putting him and even me in the position to seek comfort from another person. I chose not to. He did.

Call me naiive, but I believe my husband made a bad choice. He was weak and took the coward's way out. Rather than showing integrity and dealing with our collapsing marriage, he sought companionship and ego stroking from a woman whom he considered a 'friend' for the past 30 years.  The affair spanned a three and 1/2 month period during the summer of 2016. I was at the beach with my sons, so it was easy for him to come and go as he pleased without detection. 

He has gone out of his way to make amends. His actions do show that. However, the affair has changed me along with altering the amount of respect I have for him. Clearly there are trust issues that never were there before. I really don't like the person I've become and I resent him for that. On days where something triggers me, I am frustrated, doubting whether this reconciliation will ultimately work out and even hating him at times. 

So here we are, a year later.  I still struggle with do I stay or do I go.  The emotional toll of this betrayal is devastating. It's a rollercoaster ride, I feel bipolar at times.  But when I sit down rationally and contemplated, I truly believe this was a mistake. He is genuinely sorry. He does little things to affirm his love all the time and in all honesty, he always behaved that way until the past few years when things began to crumble.

I've written in past posts about my husband's high moral character. This was a failure for him and he has a hard time grappling with the affair. He finds it nearly impossible to admit full responsibility for the affair, he must also refer to my failures in the marriage.  That moral dilemma will haunt him forever.  

He cried while under the influence of anesthesia and promised things would be better. Anesthesia is like truth serum and I truly believe I saw into his heart that day. 

I have been told to 'grow up' and 'open my eyes'. One woman who follows me on Twitter and is an admitted 'other woman' enjoys telling me what a piece of shit my husband is and how stupid I am to give him a chance and not just walk away. She has a lot of insights to narcissistic men, serial cheaters and perspectives from being a side chick. She's made some valid points but has also given me the impression she'd like to inflict some hurt on me, perhaps because she was hurt. She has a lot of disdain for betrayed wives and when I've read some of her responses to my twitter posts as well as her private messages to me, I detect a lot of bitterness.  The saying misery loves company comes to mind when I read her words.  But, perhaps she's right. Maybe my husband is a piece of shit. Maybe I do need to grow up and open my eyes.  Maybe I will leave him in the future if something more comes to light or if he choses the infidelity road again.  However, what if my gut is right and he made a terrible mistake, one he truly regrets.  Don't I owe it to myself to make that discovery on my own. We have 25 years together and two wonderful sons.  It's not that easy to just throw away. 

I am not a patient person and I like to have things resolved immediately, which simply is not the nature of this infidelity journey. My husband and I have committed to saving our marriage. It has been anything but easy, nevertheless, the effort is obvious, on both sides.

However, until my husband proves me wrong (and you can take it to the bank that I am looking), I stand by my position that generalizations are not always correct.  I don't believe that once a cheater, always a cheater is 100% accurate.  But I press forward with #eyeswideopen #noblindtrust 

I would love to hear your comments on this do you believe that once a cheater, always a cheater? yeah or nay (keep it respectful)....