Once a Cheater, Always A Cheater...

But does this old adage stand true?  

Most people will forcefully pronounce if your partner cheated on you once, they'll do it again.  While this statement may very well be true in most cases, I don't believe it's true 100% of the time.  

Experiences with certain groups of people have formulated our opinions, justifying us to generalize. But deep down, even as we utter the words, we understand there are always exceptions to the rule. I never been one to believe you can categorize people into neat little piles. How many times have we heard...All Italians are mobsters. All Irish are drunks. All lawyers are sleezy. All politicians  are corrupt. All cheaters will cheat again.

I don't believe in generalizations. I don't believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. There is plenty of studies that show this is predominantly true, but not 100% true. Sometimes good people make bad choices. Human beings are not perfect and they make mistakes. Unless circumstances change, I believe my husband falls into this category.

We were in a bad place, both of us feeling unloved, lonely, plodding through a loveless marriage for the sake of our children. I was seriously talking about divorce, even calling a former work colleague in March, 2016 who was an attorney.  I had spoken with him briefly about how unhappy I was and asked for a divorce attorney referral as I had to be careful not to tip off my husband, who is also an attorney.  I can completely understand my husband's mentality to do what he did, yet I can't understand how he could have done what he did. In our talks over the past year, he confessed several times that he wanted me to find out. He felt the marriage was dead and he was emotionally disconnected from me. That mentality justified his affair.  He didn't care if I found out, and even stated he wanted me to find out because it would force me to do something.  Coward.

I read two of Caroline Madden, PhD's books, Blindsided By His Betrayal (Surviving the Shock of Your Husband's Infidelity) and Fool Me Once (Should I Take Back My Cheating Husband).  Check them out, they are quick reads and were quite helpful to me.  I was able to identify the type of affair to a combination of Unmet Emotional Needs and Exit Strategy Affair. Without even having to fill out the questionnaire, my husband had pretty much admitted to the mentality in each of the above-cited affairs. 

I am just as responsible in the breakdown of our marriage. We both contributed. And no, I am not justifying the affair, he NEVER should have gone there. However, our problems were ultimately responsible for putting him and even me in the position to seek comfort from another person. I chose not to. He did.

Call me naiive, but I believe my husband made a bad choice. He was weak and took the coward's way out. Rather than showing integrity and dealing with our collapsing marriage, he sought companionship and ego stroking from a woman whom he considered a 'friend' for the past 30 years.  The affair spanned a three and 1/2 month period during the summer of 2016. I was at the beach with my sons, so it was easy for him to come and go as he pleased without detection. 

He has gone out of his way to make amends. His actions do show that. However, the affair has changed me along with altering the amount of respect I have for him. Clearly there are trust issues that never were there before. I really don't like the person I've become and I resent him for that. On days where something triggers me, I am frustrated, doubting whether this reconciliation will ultimately work out and even hating him at times. 

So here we are, a year later.  I still struggle with do I stay or do I go.  The emotional toll of this betrayal is devastating. It's a rollercoaster ride, I feel bipolar at times.  But when I sit down rationally and contemplated, I truly believe this was a mistake. He is genuinely sorry. He does little things to affirm his love all the time and in all honesty, he always behaved that way until the past few years when things began to crumble.

I've written in past posts about my husband's high moral character. This was a failure for him and he has a hard time grappling with the affair. He finds it nearly impossible to admit full responsibility for the affair, he must also refer to my failures in the marriage.  That moral dilemma will haunt him forever.  

He cried while under the influence of anesthesia and promised things would be better. Anesthesia is like truth serum and I truly believe I saw into his heart that day. 

I have been told to 'grow up' and 'open my eyes'. One woman who follows me on Twitter and is an admitted 'other woman' enjoys telling me what a piece of shit my husband is and how stupid I am to give him a chance and not just walk away. She has a lot of insights to narcissistic men, serial cheaters and perspectives from being a side chick. She's made some valid points but has also given me the impression she'd like to inflict some hurt on me, perhaps because she was hurt. She has a lot of disdain for betrayed wives and when I've read some of her responses to my twitter posts as well as her private messages to me, I detect a lot of bitterness.  The saying misery loves company comes to mind when I read her words.  But, perhaps she's right. Maybe my husband is a piece of shit. Maybe I do need to grow up and open my eyes.  Maybe I will leave him in the future if something more comes to light or if he choses the infidelity road again.  However, what if my gut is right and he made a terrible mistake, one he truly regrets.  Don't I owe it to myself to make that discovery on my own. We have 25 years together and two wonderful sons.  It's not that easy to just throw away. 

I am not a patient person and I like to have things resolved immediately, which simply is not the nature of this infidelity journey. My husband and I have committed to saving our marriage. It has been anything but easy, nevertheless, the effort is obvious, on both sides.

However, until my husband proves me wrong (and you can take it to the bank that I am looking), I stand by my position that generalizations are not always correct.  I don't believe that once a cheater, always a cheater is 100% accurate.  But I press forward with #eyeswideopen #noblindtrust 

I would love to hear your comments on this do you believe that once a cheater, always a cheater? yeah or nay (keep it respectful)....

That Day and Beyond...

The subsequent three or so weeks after I outed his affair were horrendous. Divorce papers were served within a week, he was still in contact with the skank even though he said we had the opportunity to 'rebuild from the rubble'. I screamed at him to get out of my house and move in with his skank. He flat out refused to leave. He said I don't want to be with 'that woman'. He said he wasn't in love with her.  He said she could have been anyone, he was feeling lonely and in his mind, other than the formal papers, we were done. 

As I sit here and write, I can confess to feeling the same way. I spoke of divorce with my friends. Our financial situation was abysmal, even worse than I thought, as he had wined and dined that piece of trash with money that should have been used to pay health coverage and the mortgage, both which were in arrears. We couldn't afford to get divorced. 

It was the Sunday on Columbus Day weekend that we decided to attempt a reconciliation. Unfortunately, my younger son began struggling with social issues stemming from the combination of his autism, puberty and middle school later this same month, stinting our efforts as the focus switched to him.  Now, in addition to dealing with my husband's infidelity, I was also trying to navigate through the mental health system with my son who claimed the world would be a better place without him. I also had to combat his newly found habit of running out of school when he became overwhelmed. I lost 20 pounds in a six week period and felt my life spiraling out of control. I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown. Recognizing this, I called several psychiatrists to try and get an appointment, only to be told there was over a four month waiting period. And people wonder why the mental health system is broken down. 

Adding to my unbearable stress, my husband initially refused to cut off complete communication with the skank, saying because we were working on our marriage, he had no desire to be with her romantically. It took three months for him to realize his decision was destructive to me and detrimental to rebuilding our marriage. He then told her the affair was not only over, but also the 30 year friendship was terminated as well. (As of this date, she has still been trying to contact him sporadically by phone and showing up at his office).

During this past year I have repeatedly tried walking in my husband's shoes in an attempt to understand why he did what he did. I empathize with his feelings of loneliness and despair, feeling the frustration of banging his head against a brick wall, unable to effectively communicate with me as the marriage deteriorated before our eyes. But on the other hand, having experienced those feelings first hand myself, I don't understand how he could betray me.  If anyone was weaker, it would have been me. He was so moral, so upstanding, so fucking holier than thou. When push came to shove however, I held true to my moral fiber, to the understanding that having an affair would have profoundly hurt him and though we didn't like each other and we were watching our marriage die a slow death, ending it cleanly was the only option, even it it was not feasible at that time.

I also realize that had the events not unfolded the way they did, we most likely would be navigating the divorce process, if not already divorced.  We may have just said fuck it, and gone our separate ways. Clearly, we had reached a communication impasse. 

I cannot adequately express the acute disappointment in him that I experience on a daily basis. I also struggle with an intense disappointment in myself for placing such unwavering trust in him.  I have been betrayed by those closest to me, my mother, sister and brother, and never expected to be betrayed by him.  He's hurt me so deeply, the pain is so overwhelming at times that I pause to catch my breath.  

He has been trying to make amends. He has been more considerate, more willing to talk rather than brushing me off. We don't allow a mistaken perception to morph into a major miscommunication.  We don't make mountains out of molehills. We've both recognized our pattern of destructive behavior and conscientiously altered the same to be more respectful of each other's feelings. He does little things to make me feel secure in his love.  Yes I acknowledge his efforts.  But the pain of his betrayal simmers just beneath the surface. Do I dwell on it ? Not as much as in the beginning, but when the pain surfaces, it doesn't dull.  I always trusted him implicitly.  He will never have that unwavering trust ever again. We have moved forward. Our marriage is better than it's been in years. Things will never be the same which some will say is a good thing. We have the opportunity to build something new, something different, something stronger  That may very well happen.  However, my unconditional trust in him will never be restored. Rebuilding trust is possible, but it will never be the same. And I don't feel like that's a good thing...

Sunday Night....

.....was September 18 last year.  I went to bed around 11:00pm.  I was volunteering at my son's school on Monday morning. For the past couple of years I would wake up around 5:20 with no alarm.  The stress of our disintegrating marriage was reaching a boiling point. I was walking on eggshells every day.  He was condescending and put me down constantly.  I could do nothing right. In return I was nasty to him, nit picking him to death about anything. He would criticize, I would retaliate. It was an endless circle of meanness, unhappiness and just pure misery.  I would attempt to avoid being home while he was here. He'd come in late and I'd find him asleep on the couch at 5:20 when I got up. He'd go to bed until 7:30 then drive my older son to high school while I brought my younger son to middle school.  But even as bad as things were, while I had the opportunity to reconnect with a long lost love from my past, I couldn't do it. I told one of my closest friends that I couldn't risk hurting my husband that way. He would never do that to me and if we ended up divorcing, I wanted him to know it was because of the way he treated me, not because there was another person in the middle of it.  My husband was an honorable man in his not so humble opinion, although I would categorize more accurately as holier-than-thou.  In any case, he would never cheat either...

At 3am (Sept 19), I woke up to use the bathroom. In a sleepy haze I wandered into the living room expecting to find my husband asleep on the couch. He wasn't home. I went back to bed, but couldn't sleep, something wasn't right. I picked up my phone, remembering the Find My Phone app we installed on all of our phones a couple of years ago. Hands trembling, I activated the app and his phone pinged in a residential neighborhood a couple of towns away.  I screenshot the location.  For a brief moment I considered driving there, but it was after 3am and he would have to come home at some point, so I waited until he pulled into the driveway a few minutes before 4:00am.  I pretended to be asleep while he came to bed and when he was asleep, I drove over to the house.  There were two possible houses, #5 and #7, so after I confirmed those addresses, I left, went home and googled the residents of that street. 

#7 had no residents that stuck out to me, but #5 had a Kim, in her 50's.  I found her on Facebook. Her profile was public, so I begin scrolling through her posts and pictures. Her status was separated.  A few minutes through, I found a picture of her and her mother.  Her mother who was the secretary in the office my husband worked in 30 years ago when he began his legal career. Kim, who had always had a crush on him and tried to convince him to be with her while she was engaged to her husband 25 years ago. Kim, who invited him to her wedding, then acted like a cunt to me while we were there. I had never known her last name. 

I then pulled up the Verizon mobile bill as the phones were in my name.  As I went through the calls, I became sick to my stomach as a Florida number littered his call log throughout September.  In August, July, June, May.  Less frequently, but still there from February through April.  Somehow I managed to work at school for my volunteer gig, but ended up leaving at lunch. I confirmed the Florida number as belonging to Kim. The cell activity would also have call locations and it was in that same town she lived. I could not concentrate. I phoned my friend who knew a good divorce lawyer. We had a martini and I booked an appointment with her friend for the following morning.

        

Hysterical Bonding

is a real thing.  

Seriously. 

It's basically fucking each other's brains out after the affair has been outed.

When I found out about my husband's affair, the last thing I wanted to do was have sex with him.  Instead, I was relieved to have an excuse to file for divorce.  Our marriage had been for all intents and purposes, dead for a few years, although we continued to have a physical relationship.  Quite frankly, we always had decent sex, even when we couldn't stand each other.  Emotional connections however were conspicuously missing.  

Early one morning, about a month after the affair was exposed, after the STD testing, after the brutal battling, we sat down and really talked.  The conversation lasted several hours with a lot of soul searching, honesty, tears and apologies. The animosity and anger, was turning into understanding .  We not only spoke to each other, we listened.  It was emotional and exhausting.  I went in the bedroom to lie down and take a nap and shortly after my husband came in the room.  He asked if he could lay down with me and I said yes. He held me and it felt really good.  He kissed me and to my surprise, I responded.  One thing led to another and we spend the entire afternoon in bed.  

Fast forward seven months later.  The sex has been incredible, more intense, more emotional than the honeymoon stage of our relationship 25 years ago. Neither of us can get enough. It is absolutely insane.  Completing our daily routine tasks counts as a major accomplishment on some days. A two or three day timeframe with no sex is a rarity, but two or three times a day is nothing unusual. 

We have questioned our inner porn star at least 100 times. It's crazy, sometimes interferes with work but has been overall incredible.  But what the fuck is going on? I've turned into a nymphomaniac and he's just as guilty of the same.  A month ago, I finally googled increased sex after an affair.  (How did we ever survive before Google?)  I discovered article after article on this phenomenon called Hysterical Bonding.  

Hysterical bonding is quite common I've learned. The dozens of articles I've read are equally positive and negative.  Most of the opinions I've read are categorized below:

-  Hysterical bonding has been compared to an animal marking it's territory, taking back what's yours.

-  Sex is a stress reliever and lets face it, the aftermath of an affair can be extremely stressful.

-  Another article labeled it a 'pick me' dance, and called it a humiliation for the betrayed partner.  This article referred to the increased sexual drive as a competition initiated by the betrayed spouse to 'win' back the cheater.  The article criticized the betrayed spouse for rewarding the cheater with sex and was frowned upon by the writer.

- I also read several blog posts written by women who experienced hysterical bonding. They confessed to engaging in wild sex several times a day, experimentation with different positions and in various new locations they had never tried in the past. Some reported outings to the local erotica stores and bringing brown paper bags full of goodies home. Fucking like porn stars was one of the analogies mentioned as was fucking like rabbits.

- Multiple women have asked for a definitive time period on how long hysterical bonding lasts. They detail anywhere from 3 months to a year, although some women have admitted to two years and counting .  Then there is also the question many inquired as to whether is it still considered hysterical bonding after a long period of time?

   ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I never completed this post from back in May. My husband had two herpes outbreaks which the initial STD testing didn't reveal. There was a brief interval from the crazed sex, replaced by nasty fights and renewed mistrust from the exposure of his lie, however once the herpes cleared up, we were back to the hyper sex, talking about it, recapping the night before, and texting about our upcoming intentions.  We are two days from the anniversary of D-day...

I am still hurting.  I cannot fathom any excuse for what he did.  I hate him so much on occasion even though I love him. I am devastated that the person I trusted the most, betrayed me.  So why is the sex still so good? 

Is it still hysterical bonding?  Have you experienced this phenomenon yourself after discovering your partner's affair? How long does it last?

Please share your thoughts/experience with me regarding hysterical bonding as this is truly confusing to me...

A Year Ago...

...I was riding my bike on our local bike path.  I rode nearly 20 miles that day and stopped for an ice cream at the nearby ice cream shop which had not yet closed for the season.  September was very warm, the weather was absolutely gorgeous.  On the way home, I detoured to drop off some mail at the post office and while at a red light, I snapped the most flattering, gorgeous selfie I had ever taken. Before I even returned home, I changed my Facebook and Instagram profile pictures. 

Summer had been a blast!  My sons and I spent six weeks at the beach. We were out with friends every day and night. There were full moons, boat rides, drinks, summer food, eating out.  We were living the life.

My husband and I weren't on the best of terms. We would constantly argue. He was very critical of everything I did and I nit picked him to death. He really didn't spend much time at the beach with us, which was fine with me.

We went on our yearly weekly 'family' vacation in early August and then spent the remainder of that month preparing for school.  Being self-employed, my husband frequently worked late and being backed up from our vacation, I thought nothing of his absence at home. I attributed it to him catching up.

This September 13, as I snapped my carefree selfie while basking in the warm September sun and later relaxing with a bottle of wine and dinner with a friend, I had no idea that less than a week later, my whole world would turn upside down.

I discovered the affair six days later, on September 19.

This past month has been rough. I've been on edge. I've polished off a little too much wine.  And I've cried myself to sleep.

Things had been coming to a head last September. My marriage was dead. Sometimes I acknowledge had we just agreed to a divorce, we would have now been in the process of going our separate ways. Practically speaking, on the one hand, the affair saved our marriage. However, as a person who values loyalty and trust as paramount, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that he cheated. I cut my sister, brother and mother out of my life because of their lack of loyalty towards me and my family.  If I could cut them out, I sure as hell could cut my husband out of my life as well.  

Loyalty. That word means everything to me. Without loyalty, there is no trust. Without trust, there is no love. I stood with my husband against my family.  He loved me. He was loyal to me. I trusted him. Even when we fought, when things were terrible between us, I trusted him. Implicitly. Completely. I would have bet my life on his loyalty.  Had it ever come to that, I would have been dead. 

I'm still reeling. I'm still hurt. And I wonder if it really is just because of what he did, or because I allowed myself to be so blinded by my faith in him, my trust in him. Is my anger driven by his actions or my disappointment in myself for being so stupid. Things were bad. I had the same opportunity to stray as he did. I chose not to. I couldn't bear to do that to him, to risk hurting him so profoundly if he would have found out. I hated him. I could have cheated. I didn't. How could he? 

How could he?  I cannot wrap my head around that. It's been almost a year and I have made no progress in accepting his choice, his decision to cheat. 

I always said if he ever cheated, we'd be over. But for all intents and purposes, we were over, just not with a formal separation or divorce.  When I found out about his affair I immediately filed for divorce, but ultimately I didn't leave. And it behooves me to admit that if I was in a better financial position, or if I didn't have the kids to consider, I surely would have left him.  I have no doubt in my mind about that fact. While I've loved my husband since I met him, he betrayed me in the worst possible way. He showed me his lack of loyalty. When the going got tough, he got going to another woman.  His words were shit. His actions revealed all. 

So here's my conundrum in a nutshell as I sit here, six days from the first anniversary of D-day. Without loyalty there is no trust. Without trust, there is no love, at least not totally, because I do love him.  Or do I? How can I love someone I don't trust?

How the hell am I going to get past this?

Time Keeps On Ticking...

 ...and I've started digging again.

After a relatively wonderful summer, albeit a few little bumps, (massive sinkholes), the end of August is approaching.  September brings a brand new school year and the one year anniversary of when I discovered my husband's affair.  It was September 19 to be exact.  

I have always remembered dates and have a bizarre memory when it comes to dates.  It is actually a shame that it had to be on a 19th.  We were engaged on a 19th.  We were married on a 19th.  And I caught him fucking around on a 19th.  

Now home from our summer adventures, he's been trying to catch up at work and has been working late. Given the close proximity to D-day, my imagination and suspicions have been working overtime and then some.  Regressing, I begin with the cell phone bill.  I log into my alternate social media accounts and look for the fake accounts I know she is using to stalk my Facebook and Instagram.

Last month, I learned of another cell phone number.  I saw a sarcastic toned text come in and I asked my husband who it was, suspecting it was her.  He didn't try to hide it, his response being 'who do you think'.  I made a note of the number and checked it later on spydialer.com.  For those who don't know of this site, spydialer.com is a free website to check up phone numbers. It can access the name, photo and even voice mail of a number.  I checked the skank's number. Spydialer said it was "Kim".  So I played the voicemail, prompting a phone call from Reno, NV to Kimba's phone. I spy dialed myself and when I called back the Reno number, it was a creepy voice saying, "You've been spy dialed."  Hilarious!  I did it a few more times over the past few weeks when I got pissy.  Spy dialer  is not always 100% accurate with the name option as found out a couple of times when checking other numbers on my husbands cell phone log. So I tried it with my cousin's phone. The name was different, but when my cousin & I selected the voicemail option, we had the sound bite of her voicemail.  

I assumed the skank's new number was relatively recent.  I was wrong.  When I reviewed the cell phone bill from last summer, Kimba not only called from the Florida cell phone number I knew about, but supplemented those calls with another local cell phone number, the same one she began texting him with in July.  That seriously pissed me off.  So I continued digging deeper.

I had not been able to find her best friend's Instagram account but I knew the two of them had been following my feed. I found her first account months ago and blocked, it was a private account.  I found a second account before we left for vacation but couldn't confirm at that time it was her.

Last night I pulled up my son's old Instagram account opened solely for a social studies project.  I revisited that second account which she has now been using as her primary account.  I screenshot all her followers and people she followed, then reviewed them one by one.  I found her sister in law who followed her third account. I found her best friend's account as well as the friend's daughter's account. I found two Facebook accounts for the daughter as well and blocked the whole bunch.  But I had a feeling there was more, so I searched Kimba with the last 4 numbers of that 'new' phone.  Bingo.  No followers, no following, no picture.  BLOCKED.

She thinks I'm a stalker - I say I'm thorough.  She's already become so paranoid that she took off the 'add friend' button off her Facebook and hid all her friends.  Don't get me wrong, I don't actually care if she sees what I publicly post.  Truth be told, I post some of it solely for her benefit.  I only block her to make it more difficult, to make her nervous and let her know who she's dealing with. Let her think I'm a stalker and that I'm psycho. Let her obsess how I find out what I know. As my husband has said on multiple occasions, "she's not too bright."

Finding these accounts just bolters my take on the situation with my husband.  He seems to be growing uneasy with the level she is reaching to stalk me. I've told him all along how she's played the whole thing, meeting resistance at first.  Now he's seeing her manipulations first hand and I do get satisfaction in 'proving' my intuition was right, telling him what her next move will be and having it proven correct, although I would have given anything for this not to have happened in the first place.  I've confessed to my husband the posts I've used to draw her out.  He's even admitted to getting a kick out of it (to a degree) because it shows that I love him.  Given his gigantic need to have his ego stoked, I can see how he believes that to be true. This infidelity thing has sucked the life out of me and I sometimes don't know what I am truly feeling anymore. Is it love? Is it territorial? I have my own pride and ego too. 

In any case, I am feeling more stressed, more anxiety and I am revisiting places I really don't want to go.  While driving today, my mind wandered  to that night I discovered my husband's car parked a block away from her house.  As I drove home, I began imagining what might have happened that night if I smashed his windshield, or even backed my car into his as I would have liked to, leaving a note to not come home. I fantasize about just packing up and leaving him only the kids had just started school two weeks before. I couldn't just take them out in the middle of the night and I couldn't leave them.  I play the scenario of what if... what if I found out before school started... what if I confronted them the night the Find My Phone app put them in a restaurant when I was at photography class...what if I dumped all his clothes and things on her front lawn...what if I pounded on her front door instead of walking away.

We made progress in reconnecting over the summer. We enjoyed each other's company, even discovering up a new common hobby, tennis, that we both enjoy.  We have been working together as a team to try and resurrect his neglected business.  However, in spite of that, he will always fall short of the highly principled, honest, integrity laden man he always portrayed himself to be. I don't envision him ever gaining that prestige back in my eyes, because had he truly possessed those qualities, he never would have cheated in the first place.  Mr. Integrity.  Mr Perfect. Mr. Honest. Mr. Family Man. Mr. "I'm Better Than 99% of the Guys Out There" Mr. "We Had a Real Marriage" (Really??). 

And that is the crux of it. I can't see myself ever getting past the fact that he cheated.

This can't be productive. Will it ever end?

2017 Total Solar Eclipse...

August 21, 2017 would have been my father's 89th birthday.  It is also the date of a total eclipse of the sun, visible in the United States.  The path of totality does not run in New England, we are only supposed get 67% or so.

The internet is abuzz with jokes, memes, predictions and advice on rituals to perform, from making eclipse water, to manifesting dreams.  There are end of the world predictions and I even saw a picture of Jesus on the cross with the insinuation that when he died and the earth went dark, it was in fact due to a total solar eclipse. 

On my personal Facebook feed, I have read friends posts ad nauseous about how they procured their precious eclipse watching glasses, several others lamenting on how they were unable to get the sold out eclipse gear and a few more whose posts were seen by generous benefactors who parted with a spare pair.  I have at least 4 Facebook friends who high-tailed it to North Carolina to view this spectacular event.

I however, am going to watch this monumental universal occurrence on CBS.  

While I consider myself pretty adventurous with not too much I wouldn't consider doing, risking my eyesight is not one of those things.  I realize NASA certified certain eyewear as safe, but if there is even a .01% chance of error or failure, I am not willing to risk my vision.  I'm sure professional photographers and videographers will post awe-inspiring photos.  

For those that choose to view the eclipse, I hope your glasses are safe.  I hope people don't risk looking up with regular sunglasses.  And I truly hope the eclipse lives up to all your exceptions.  

Right now, where I am, it is 12:10 EST and looking a little cloudy...

Deception...

...breeds deception.

As a betrayed wife, I asked my husband for information. When information was withheld, I took it upon myself to search on my own.

I scoured through credit card statements and the cell phone bill.  I put the Verizon FIOS app on my phone for his office which offered a call log feature, but since he actually doesn't have FIOS (which I thought he did), I cannot access that feature.  He disclosed bits and pieces to me after repeated discussions and tantrums.  But one thing remained...were they still speaking?  He said no.  I knew she was not done, and she either was or would be contacting him. He agreed but said he had no interest in speaking with her.  I still suspected...  

He admitted she called his office and they spoke in early July. He offered the fact she came to his office when he didn't answer her texts in mid July. 

Texts?  What the fuck? Now she's texting? They never texted before, everything was via phone calls.  But after her divorce was final, she got a new phone and has been texting him.  I didn't know until I saw a sarcastic toned text when he was coming out of anesthesia from his surgery.  'Who is that?' "Who do you think?" 

He didn't hide it. He didn't tell her I knew her number. He told me she was texting about the STD thing, fervently trying to defend herself, saying he didn't catch anything from her.  But he didn't tell me what what was in those texts and only admitted her texting once I saw one.

So I stewed about it a while, then wrote about it in my previous post  Show Me Your Phone

And after I finished my post, I downloaded the text log for the past 90 days (only as far back as Verizon retains on their server), just getting the times and phone numbers of texts, not any content.

But this morning, my husband's phone was on the table and there was nothing on the screen (missed calls, unread texts as he sometimes leaves there).  So I tried to unlock the phone using the code I saw him punch in when he came out of his surgery, the one he said he was going to change because he saw me looking.  

He didn't change it.  

I quickly shut off the screen, planning to look at a later date when I had some time to open his messages and photograph the thread of texts from her.

He promised to tell me if she contacted him.  He didn't.  

I promised I wouldn't look at the cell phone bill. I did.

He promised to tell me when she texted him.  He didn't.

I told him I didn't see him punch in that code, that I wasn't paying attention.  I was.

Deception breeds deception.  Lies propagate lies. Deception and lies fuel the fires of mistrust.  Deception precipitated on me has now birthed my own deception which I may now return to him. In less than a year, I've become just like him.  

As I sit here, part of me is elated that I outsmarted him.  I lied so well, he believed I didn't know his code. Over the course of the past three weeks he's begun to let his guard down, watching me pay no attention to his phone when I hear it go off.  I pretend I could care less.  She's been texting him and I don't ask about it. As a result, he believes that I'm not looking at the cell phone bill anymore.

The other part of me however is scared.  I'm afraid that he's been lying to me all this time and playing me for a fool.  I'm worried that they are still in contact and that he's keeping her hanging, keeping both of us hanging. Once I look at her texts, there is no going back.  If he's been lying to me, there is no reconciliation. It would have to be over.  I don't know if I am really prepared for that scenario. 

If he's not lying and the texts prove she's a psycho, I will have my confirmation that he's told me the truth and that is now the final obstacle I needed to overcome.  But then if that's true, why the secrecy? Why the refusal to show/tell me? 

Therefore, we both mistrust. We both lie. We both deceive....

Show Me Your Phone...

Rebuilding trust after an affair is a tedious process, with both progression and regression, one step forward, two steps back.  However, in order to rebuild trust, there needs to be disclosure.  Full disclosure.  

The betrayed partner needs to feel secure in the fact that they are indeed the priority.  When lies are exposed later down the road, the betrayal resets, any progress erased in a blink of an eye. 

We've been playing that game now for almost 11 months now.  While I am relatively certain he has been forthcoming finally for most issues,  there is one thing he refuses to disclose...her attempts to contact him, calls and texts.  Not texts from during the affair, there were none.  They kept their contact to phone calls as he wanted no chance of text records being subpoena'd with her in the midst of a nasty divorce.  It's the recent texts I want.  I don't have to physically see them, I just want him to be forthcoming and tell me about them.  It's my phone bill, I'm sure my attorney has some of my retainer left and I can have my own records subpoena'd and find out every single word.  I don't want that. I want my husband to tell me what was the picture/video text she sent him last week days after she showed up at his office and he informed her not to contact either me or him.  Or what was the text she sent 3 days ago?  What was in the litany of texts she sent after I went psycho on her in the beginning of July, (he did say those happened and were in direct result of my contacting her).

After the skank and I 'interacted', he told me they had spoken for about half an hour (40 minutes per the phone bill) and that she had been texting him after with him not responding. He said it was about the std thing and she was trying to defend herself to him.  I didn't ask to see anything at that point, made perfect sense to me. 

I saw a text after his surgery while he was loopy and my son and I were checking his phone.  We could only see the numbers coming in and the number with the first few lines of any text.  And I saw a new number with "Really?! No response? I hope you're happy. And you didn't catch anything from me..." She was upset, poor baby...

Again, he was forthcoming in admitting it was her. I made a mental note of the number. He reiterated that he ignored her texts. I told him to do what he told me to do...block her.  He said he knew how to 'deal with her' because she's crazy.  

Backtrack to June 21, when my sons and I moved into the beach house.  I stopped by the local clam shack/bar where my friend bartended.  I told my husband that the skank had unblocked me to find out when I was at the beach so she could contact him.  I also told him I wanted to know if she contacted him.  He agreed to tell me.  At approximately 4:30pm, I posted publicly that I was there.  It was a test.  A test for her and a test for him.  

I asked him several times over the course of the first three weeks at the beach if she had in fact contacted him.  He said no. I was torn between believing him and not.  He had in fact told her not to call him on his cell phone, and given the fact he spent more time at the beach than he ever had, I thought perhaps she tried the office and he just wasn't there.  My gut instinct told me she had tried.  And now I had her new number. So I did what a trusting person would do...snoop.
  
I went to June 21 on the cell phone bill.  At 7:13pm and 7:14pm, there were texts from her new phone number.  She failed the test, as I knew she would.  I was however profoundly disappointed that my husband failed as well, and I told him so.  I told him I knew she would contact him when I was gone. I didn't actually think it would be within 3 hours, but she's pretty pathetic. 'You promised you would tell me if she contacted you and you didn't.'  He promptly got defensive because I am supposed to trust him and not be checking up on him.  "if I have to live my life with you checking up on me and accounting for my every move, then it's not worth it."  

Eventually we got past that nonsense and he said he ignored her texts and that since he didn't speak with her, he didn't feel he had to tell me. He said he knew I'd be upset and he didn't want to upset me.  He had already acknowledged the texts from July saying she would probably continue because she'd drink/smoke too much and then send something, but reiterated that he was ignoring her and letting her leave a trail in case she was to say something crazy about him which could affect his professional career.  He also said he didn't realize it was only 3 hours after I arrived at the beach that she texted.

My response to him is yes I would be pissed, but at least you would have been honest and I wouldn't have to be suspicious.  Again, he acknowledged that fact but said she will probably keep doing it and 'I don't feel I should have to tell you about ever single text.' (oh yes you do, but I let it go at that time).  

Two weeks ago, he came down to the beach and told me she showed up at his office. He said she gained a lot of weight back (she'd had the gastric bypass surgery several years ago).  He said one of her sons was moving away and he got the feeling she wasn't too happy.  I asked if she said anything about wanting him back. He said no, she wasn't interested in being with anyone at the moment. (yeah right). He said she told him I was psycho. She was a little freaked out that I knew so much about her.  She asked him if I was a stalker? (no bitch, I'm thorough). He told her that I went to the courthouse and looked up her divorce file. She was shocked. He told her I knew all about the prescription drugs, marijuana and alcohol.  He told her I knew things before they even happened.  She already thought I was tracking him all the time, so hearing all this evidently made her a little nervous. I believe if he still had any loyalty to her or was hiding anything, he would have also told her I knew her new phone number and not to text him, just call the office.  But given the fact the texts still kept coming, I have to assume she doesn't know that little tidbit.  He told her to stay away from me and he told her I was likewise told to leave her alone.  I asked him if she said anything about the herpes as she had bombarded him with texts earlier saying she didn't have any std and was going to get checked. He said it never came up and he didn't go there.  Well, if she got checked and didn't feel the need to 'prove' to him she didn't have it, I have to assume her test came back positive. 

He told her not to contact him anymore, that he loved me and his family and they were over.  He told her we had been in a bad place and he shouldn't have gone with her but it was done and he was committed to me and his family. 

But a few days later, she sent him a text. The cell phone bill showed 'received' and referred to it as a picture/video text. The day before I left from the beach, she texted him again.  No return text was sent.
 
But I'm not supposed to know about these texts because I am supposed to trust him and not check the cell phone bill.

This morning, as I was halfway through writing this piece, he and I spoke.  I told him that sometimes I would reflect on things we previously discussed in order to fully process them. I went back to the fact he didn't tell me she texted him when I left for the beach. I told him I could not fully trust him if he didn't disclose when she called or texted. I explained how I intuitively knew she was still trying to contact him and what I imagined she might be saying was most likely worse than what was actually being said. I told him I couldn't fully trust him if he didn't come clean.  By disclosing when she contacted him, I would begin to regain the feeling that we were a team. By not disclosing, I felt I was not a priority and that there was lingering loyalty to her. The loyalty should belong exclusively to me. And whether or not I liked what she said, I needed to know. If I was angry, too bad, he needed to let me process it and be understanding of my emotions.  By freely offering me the information, eventually, I would stop feeling like I needed it.  I told him he needed to deal with me on my emotional level, not his logical level.  He seemed to get it.  He agreed to what I asked. I didn't ask to see his phone or the texts, just tell me when she contacts him and what she says.  

He then admitted she called him the other day, the day before I left the beach. (same day as her last text). She asked, "Is your wife still at the beach?".  He said, 'yes, but she's coming home tomorrow.'  She said she was planning on going to the beach with some friends and didn't want to go if I was going to be there because she didn't want to run into me.  I actually laughed about it, she got really spooked by me poking around her business.  She changed her Facebook settings although she's not to bright and still left some things public. She took the add friend button off which I found amusing, I have no intention of sending her a friend request. She hid her friends list, but I already know who they are. She thinks I'm crazy.  Good, let's keep her on her toes.

While I don't have access to my husband's office phone activity, I have access to his cell phone activity, his social media accounts and his email.  Therefore, if my husband complies with my 'text' request, I believe this is the last hurdle to deal with and perhaps we can move forward a little more smoothly and finally begin to rebuild my trust in him.  

Everything Was Different...

...at the beach and I can honestly say I didn't really like it at all.

After our rocky first week and me going psycho on the skank, our second week was uneventful with beach time limited due to unreliable weather.  My husband's surgery consumed the third week, first spending 3 days at home, then the rest of the week with him staying at the beach to recuperate.  

While we enjoyed some family time together, my normal beach routine was thrown out the window.  There was no early morning coffees on the beach, no reading, and virtually no photography.  Sure I packed all my lenses and tripod, but for the most part, it was my iPhone camera that I utilized the most.  To my chagrin, I missed a fabulous photo opportunity on the Fourth of July, when a huge ferry passed under exploding fireworks.  While I captured the shot on my phone, it would have been exponentially more awesome had I used my Nikon.

Additionally this summer, I spent almost no time with my friends.  Last year was filled with boat rides, dinners, beach days and happy hours, while this year, money was tight and we stayed home and ate in.  I only would go for a drink on the days my friend was bartending at a local clam shack.  We didn't travel too far from the house because frankly I was afraid to drive my car any distance as it needs major repair work.  I saw two of my closest friends with whom we spent countless hours with last year, once...both for a short period of time.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed being at the beach, that will never change. But my routine changed, and I loved my old routine.  I didn't much like the new routine, but couldn't bring myself to do what I loved.  I've changed.  And I don't like the changes. I don't like the fact that I don't enjoy the things that have always made me feel alive and joyful.  I don't like the fact that I couldn't force myself to reach out more to my friends. I don't like that I feel like a shell of myself.  I used to be described as fun. I was the life of the party. I was the 'fun mom'. I don't feel like that anymore.  

I don't wallow in self-pity, more like it passes fleetingly by. Frequently. 

I am not myself.  

Is it because from June - September, 2016 he was having his affair? The triggers come fast and sometimes out of nowhere.  

Is it because next week is our yearly family week vacation and he was fucking her during our family vacation last year? To me, last year's entire vacation was fake. He acted like we were a family and all the time he was fucking her.  He took family photos with the kids and me while he was still in an active relationship with her.  

He keeps telling me we're going to have a good time.  Hopefully, I will be able to tell myself the same thing.