Anxiety

...can be debilitating. I have always been a little more anxious than many, but not so much that I needed medication.  My anxiety has always been the situational type, brought on by a stressor and once the stressor was lifted, the anxiety was gone.

Last night I had a major anxiety episode.  

Yesterday, as I was working on my Facebook page and this blog, I was replaying a lot of things in my mind.  I was reliving my anger, hurt, resentment as I debated what I would share on the blog. Slowly building up, my anxiety level was pretty high by dinnertime.

My husband came home for dinner but planned to return to his office, and finish up some work he left unfinished.  He put his dress pants back on, which was totally normal for him. Around 11pm, I called his office on the pretense I was going in the shower and wanted to know how late he'd be.  No answer.  I called his cell phone.  No answer.  I called it again.  And again.  I then replayed the fact he had his dress pants on and not sweatpants.  And then I broke down sobbing.  

Did I truly think he was out somewhere.  No.  I was grieving the loss of trust. I didn't trust him.  I cried because at that moment I hated him for making me feel this way.  For 25 years he would frequently go to the office to finish up unfinished work.  He was there.  I would call him there and occasionally go in and help him out with some secretarial duties.  Or I'd be out shopping with a friend and when driving by the office on our way home, his car was there.  

He did nothing he normally didn't do last night.  But I was suspicious.  And I hated him for that.