The Queen is In has Moved to Wordpress!

The Queen Is In has moved over to Wordpress.

Come over and visit!

https://thequeenisincom.wordpress.com

I've Moved Over To Wordpress...

The Queen Is In has moved over to Wordpress.

Come over and visit!

https://thequeenisincom.wordpress.com

I Need to Rant...

...and you really don't need to read this if you don't want to. But I have to get it out somewhere, and the blog is the safest place.

My husband cheated. His decision. But I hate the skank.  Seriously, I really, really hate her.  It's no secret.  She's a fucking nut and I've enjoyed pushing her buttons in the past, but I'm not supposed to now.  When I fuck with her head, she contacts my husband.  We have more important things to deal with and I really don't want her calling him.  But I'm torn, craving to push her buttons now. I want to fuck with her head, make her feel a little pain when she thinks back to a year ago, as I do.  I know I get to her because I've done it before.

It was a year ago on September 19, when I learned of the affair.  Coincidentally, (or not) on the 17th, that piece of garbage #stdqueen changed her profile picture on Facebook to a photo of her and my husband.  He was cropped out, but I recognized the shirt. She had posted the picture on her page back in January to bust my balls.

Since the last round of contact in early July, I agreed not to provoke her and my husband told her to stay off my social media pages.  I blocked her accounts.  Recently, I found 5, yes 5 Instagram profiles belonging to her.  How do I know this?  They are her first name with the last four digits of a phone number she thought I didn't know about. I actually didn't know about it until I saw two of those texts to my husband in July.  You see, it was SHE who had a burner phone, hiding it from her husband who had just filed for divorce in September 2015.  She used it to talk with a guy she met from Europe while on a cruise and then used it with my husband.  (They guy dumped her and is happy with another woman. Her ex-husband is happy with another woman.  My husband dumped her to reconcile with me.  She is not a happy camper).

 I blocked her main Instagram profile which was private (no photo). Then a new one appeared a few days later with her full name (no picture) and I was able to identify the account by her followers.  I blocked that and just for the hell of it I looked up Kimba with the last four numbers of that phone number a few days later. Bingo. 0 followers, 0 following, no picture.  I also looked up similar accounts and none were there.  Two days later, Kimmie with the last four numbers appeared, again, no picture, followers or following.  Today I found Kimberly with the last four, all the same format with the name_4numbers. A new account that wasn't there a few days ago.  This last account was private with the same amount of followers/following as the one she was really using.  Then I looked up Kimberly with her middle initial and one by one put in the letters of her last name and came up with another ID with random characters after the first 3 letters of the last name.  I showed my husband all of the accounts from my son's Instagram as well as her fake Facebook profile and a fake Facebook profile in MY name which I didn't create. All blocked.  He shook his head saying she's either really stupid or just fucking with me.

Did I ever mention that her mother was trash as well. She and her 2nd husband, Kimba's step father were swingers. They would randomly fuck other couples. Apparently the skank doesn't fall too far from the tree.

My husband has known the skank for over 30 years. He had always expressed to her how much he loved his family over the years.  When things were bad between us, her husband had filed for divorce. The timing was perfect.  He has since told her we are together, he loves me and he loves his family.  He told her there would be no contact between me and her, and no contact between her and me. He instructed her not to contact him either.   I believe she knows he won't leave me for her. Therefore, I also am convinced she is stirring the pot to cause conflict between me and my husband. If I leave HIM, she figures he'll come running back to her.  I told him my theory and he agreed that she is definitely trying to provoke me. Additionally,  he agreed of my assessment of her motive to drive a wedge between us.

She can't see much on Facebook, but with my open Instagram account, she can see what I post. I did begin adding some "inspirational quotes" similar to ones I posted in January to which she immediately reacted.  This week, I added a couple of these gems. Subtle, but aimed at her.  I was planning to ramp it up a bit.  She hates these...

But today, my husband and I were talking about this as well as other issues we were dealing with.  He was concerned about me taunting her because he really didn't want to deal with her and honestly, I really don't need the aggravation either.  So I did what I swore I wouldn't do.  I changed my Instagram to private.  My husband said don't change what I do because of her, just don't provoke her. Well, provoking is part of what I do when pushed.  I told him that. I told him I enjoy it. It makes me feel better.  She provoked me and that deserves a reaction. Subtly. But since he wanted me to ignore her, the only way I could possibly do that was to restrict my Instagram.  I also told him she may really get upset when she can't see anything.  Again, he said don't do that, just post normally.  No. I want her irritated. I want her frustrated. But I also don't want to waste time on her. So private Instagram it is.

I've read that a classy person just ignores and walks away.  Really? Do people really do that? Fuck that.  She is actively trying to destroy my family because of what SHE wants. I don't have to be classy.  I want to react but I know it's probably better not to. So I took to the blog.  Not a writing masterpiece, but at least I can blow off a little steam.

I hope blocking provokes her. I hope she gets manic because of her frustration of not being able to see anything.  I hope she questions how on earth I found that last account with the gobbledygook name.  Yes skank, I know your middle initial.  She still gets to me, but to her, it looks like she doesn't. She didn't get a clear reaction from me when she changed her profile picture. And every other day, when she logs into her Instagram, she finds that I've blocked her and has to create another account.  Now, tonight, or tomorrow, she's gonna see my account has become private.  

Game on skank...

One Year and A Week...

...after discovering my husband's affair finds me sitting on the deck, on an Indian summer Sunday.  I spent most of the morning cooking and doing some laundry and now I've poured myself a cold cider drink and started reflecting on the other members of this infidelity club that I've met along the way. 

I began The Queen Is In blog, my Dolly Allen Facebook and Twitter accounts sometime in April, 2017. I had discovered my husband's affair the previous September (2016) and started writing as therapy to release some of the myriad of emotions I was feeling. I have interacted with several women (and men) living through similar betrayals.  We all have experienced or are currently experiencing nearly identical emotions. Our D-Day stories differ somewhat but our partners' excuses and behavior along with our discovery and subsequent investigative processes all seem to mirror each other.  There have been times I felt that my situation was so different, but after reading others' tweets and stories, I recognized my husbands actions, my reactions, the AP stories all melded together.  Of course some details were different, but there were so many similar aspects as well.

During my own betrayal time frame, two longtime friends have likewise experienced their own D-Days. I had a lengthy conversation with 'Kathy' last Sunday.  We were talking and she said 'you know, it was a year ago today that I found out.'  I actually didn't believe it, I would have sworn it was a week or two later. She found out around 10am on September 18 - I found out at 3am that night (Sept 19).

When I woke up that morning at 3am, I wrote about just remembering the Find My Phone app out of the blue. But it wasn't that random after all. As Kathy reminded me, she came over to my house devastated about finding her significant other of over 20 years with another woman, in their home. She had caused damage to the bed and took a bag with some gifts she had given him over the years out of the house...along with his cell phone.  She went through the phone, reading texts and viewing pictures they sent to each other. Then she came to me.  I told her about Find My Phone feature and we activated it on his phone right then and there. To this day, she still tracks him via Find My Phone. He is oblivious to the fact that she is tracking him  Somehow, at 3am, when I was in a sleep-induced fog, I thought of Find My Phone. It must have been due to assisting Kathy earlier that Sunday.

Kathy is living in her own apartment but has no access to her home or possessions. Jim filed a restraining order against her and locked her out of their jointly owned house. While my husband offered her legal advice back in November, she refused to follow it and wound up with a host of legal issues, mostly caused by her own hand.

My friend Liz lived with her boyfriend then husband for 33 years. I met her a year after they had been living together.  A couple of years ago, their teenaged daughter found porn on his computer. A few months earlier, Liz suspected he was having an affair with a woman a few houses down from them, but he calmed her fears at the time.  When the porn was disclosed they fought, revisited the 'affair' down the street and began counseling.  One day, as he was packing for one of his many business trips overseas, the pharmacy called to say his Viagra was ready to be picked up. Liz said to me, "WTF does he need Viagra for when she picked up a prescription for him the week before.  Liz began looking for evidence while he was away and found not only one, but two burner phones. He moved out last year and around the same time I discovered my husband's affair, she learned Paul had a girlfriend...and a 2 year old son.  Liz is in the process of a very nasty divorce. Paul is a narcissist and a sex addict. He has caused physical damage to Liz' property, filed for custody of their teenage daughter, withheld insurance funding to fix a damaged, leaking roof and is generally acting like a royal prick.

I want to hear others' stories. I need to know about their experiences, how they discovered their spouses' affairs, how they are coping, how their spouse is either sorry or the relationship is over. When my personal journey began, I thought my situation was so very different from others, yet as I plow through and listen to others, there are so many similarities to the stories, emotions, pain. Things he said to me sounded so sincere, yet I discovered many others' husbands recited the same words. Is it a fucking script? Did someone write a cheaters' handbook that we don't know about?

Infidelity causes such profound pain. Sane people become insane when they learn of their partners' betrayals. And why wouldn't we? The people we entrusted our hearts to so blatantly and easily threw them aside for what? A momentary thrill? Reluctance to work on a struggling relationship?  A strong person stands by their morals, keeps their vows. These weak men (and women) are selfish, thinking only of themselves and their pleasure, ultimately thrusting their betrayed partners in the throes of heartbreak and emotional suffering.  I read a blog post earlier today where the woman expressed the fact that she would rather have lost her husband to death rather than cheating, at least she wouldn't have lost her respect for him.  I can honestly relate to that statement.

Yesterday I posted, Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater, asking the question do you believe that's true. Again I ask,  Do you believe that is always the case?

I struggle daily with not only that question, but with the knowledge that things will never be the same. I will never fully trust him. I have lost respect for a man who considered himself to be of the highest moral character.  I also wonder sometimes if there is something better out there for me. Someone better. Someone who honors wedding vows, who keeps promises, who lives up to his own self-imposed high standards. I want to be with someone who respects me because lets face it, a cheater couldn't possibly cheat if he/she respects their spouse. Is there something better out there?  Don't I deserve someone better?  Or am I living in the mentality my husband was in, the grass is greener elsewhere?

And this my friends is the joy of infidelity... the constant flip-flop, the highs and lows, the bipolar days.  

One year and a week later, I wonder if I am making the right decision in staying, or should I just bite the bullet and end it...

Once a Cheater, Always A Cheater...

But does this old adage stand true?  

Most people will forcefully pronounce if your partner cheated on you once, they'll do it again.  While this statement may very well be true in most cases, I don't believe it's true 100% of the time.  

Experiences with certain groups of people have formulated our opinions, justifying us to generalize. But deep down, even as we utter the words, we understand there are always exceptions to the rule. I never been one to believe you can categorize people into neat little piles. How many times have we heard...All Italians are mobsters. All Irish are drunks. All lawyers are sleezy. All politicians  are corrupt. All cheaters will cheat again.

I don't believe in generalizations. I don't believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. There is plenty of studies that show this is predominantly true, but not 100% true. Sometimes good people make bad choices. Human beings are not perfect and they make mistakes. Unless circumstances change, I believe my husband falls into this category.

We were in a bad place, both of us feeling unloved, lonely, plodding through a loveless marriage for the sake of our children. I was seriously talking about divorce, even calling a former work colleague in March, 2016 who was an attorney.  I had spoken with him briefly about how unhappy I was and asked for a divorce attorney referral as I had to be careful not to tip off my husband, who is also an attorney.  I can completely understand my husband's mentality to do what he did, yet I can't understand how he could have done what he did. In our talks over the past year, he confessed several times that he wanted me to find out. He felt the marriage was dead and he was emotionally disconnected from me. That mentality justified his affair.  He didn't care if I found out, and even stated he wanted me to find out because it would force me to do something.  Coward.

I read two of Caroline Madden, PhD's books, Blindsided By His Betrayal (Surviving the Shock of Your Husband's Infidelity) and Fool Me Once (Should I Take Back My Cheating Husband).  Check them out, they are quick reads and were quite helpful to me.  I was able to identify the type of affair to a combination of Unmet Emotional Needs and Exit Strategy Affair. Without even having to fill out the questionnaire, my husband had pretty much admitted to the mentality in each of the above-cited affairs. 

I am just as responsible in the breakdown of our marriage. We both contributed. And no, I am not justifying the affair, he NEVER should have gone there. However, our problems were ultimately responsible for putting him and even me in the position to seek comfort from another person. I chose not to. He did.

Call me naiive, but I believe my husband made a bad choice. He was weak and took the coward's way out. Rather than showing integrity and dealing with our collapsing marriage, he sought companionship and ego stroking from a woman whom he considered a 'friend' for the past 30 years.  The affair spanned a three and 1/2 month period during the summer of 2016. I was at the beach with my sons, so it was easy for him to come and go as he pleased without detection. 

He has gone out of his way to make amends. His actions do show that. However, the affair has changed me along with altering the amount of respect I have for him. Clearly there are trust issues that never were there before. I really don't like the person I've become and I resent him for that. On days where something triggers me, I am frustrated, doubting whether this reconciliation will ultimately work out and even hating him at times. 

So here we are, a year later.  I still struggle with do I stay or do I go.  The emotional toll of this betrayal is devastating. It's a rollercoaster ride, I feel bipolar at times.  But when I sit down rationally and contemplated, I truly believe this was a mistake. He is genuinely sorry. He does little things to affirm his love all the time and in all honesty, he always behaved that way until the past few years when things began to crumble.

I've written in past posts about my husband's high moral character. This was a failure for him and he has a hard time grappling with the affair. He finds it nearly impossible to admit full responsibility for the affair, he must also refer to my failures in the marriage.  That moral dilemma will haunt him forever.  

He cried while under the influence of anesthesia and promised things would be better. Anesthesia is like truth serum and I truly believe I saw into his heart that day. 

I have been told to 'grow up' and 'open my eyes'. One woman who follows me on Twitter and is an admitted 'other woman' enjoys telling me what a piece of shit my husband is and how stupid I am to give him a chance and not just walk away. She has a lot of insights to narcissistic men, serial cheaters and perspectives from being a side chick. She's made some valid points but has also given me the impression she'd like to inflict some hurt on me, perhaps because she was hurt. She has a lot of disdain for betrayed wives and when I've read some of her responses to my twitter posts as well as her private messages to me, I detect a lot of bitterness.  The saying misery loves company comes to mind when I read her words.  But, perhaps she's right. Maybe my husband is a piece of shit. Maybe I do need to grow up and open my eyes.  Maybe I will leave him in the future if something more comes to light or if he choses the infidelity road again.  However, what if my gut is right and he made a terrible mistake, one he truly regrets.  Don't I owe it to myself to make that discovery on my own. We have 25 years together and two wonderful sons.  It's not that easy to just throw away. 

I am not a patient person and I like to have things resolved immediately, which simply is not the nature of this infidelity journey. My husband and I have committed to saving our marriage. It has been anything but easy, nevertheless, the effort is obvious, on both sides.

However, until my husband proves me wrong (and you can take it to the bank that I am looking), I stand by my position that generalizations are not always correct.  I don't believe that once a cheater, always a cheater is 100% accurate.  But I press forward with #eyeswideopen #noblindtrust 

I would love to hear your comments on this do you believe that once a cheater, always a cheater? yeah or nay (keep it respectful)....

That Day and Beyond...

The subsequent three or so weeks after I outed his affair were horrendous. Divorce papers were served within a week, he was still in contact with the skank even though he said we had the opportunity to 'rebuild from the rubble'. I screamed at him to get out of my house and move in with his skank. He flat out refused to leave. He said I don't want to be with 'that woman'. He said he wasn't in love with her.  He said she could have been anyone, he was feeling lonely and in his mind, other than the formal papers, we were done. 

As I sit here and write, I can confess to feeling the same way. I spoke of divorce with my friends. Our financial situation was abysmal, even worse than I thought, as he had wined and dined that piece of trash with money that should have been used to pay health coverage and the mortgage, both which were in arrears. We couldn't afford to get divorced. 

It was the Sunday on Columbus Day weekend that we decided to attempt a reconciliation. Unfortunately, my younger son began struggling with social issues stemming from the combination of his autism, puberty and middle school later this same month, stinting our efforts as the focus switched to him.  Now, in addition to dealing with my husband's infidelity, I was also trying to navigate through the mental health system with my son who claimed the world would be a better place without him. I also had to combat his newly found habit of running out of school when he became overwhelmed. I lost 20 pounds in a six week period and felt my life spiraling out of control. I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown. Recognizing this, I called several psychiatrists to try and get an appointment, only to be told there was over a four month waiting period. And people wonder why the mental health system is broken down. 

Adding to my unbearable stress, my husband initially refused to cut off complete communication with the skank, saying because we were working on our marriage, he had no desire to be with her romantically. It took three months for him to realize his decision was destructive to me and detrimental to rebuilding our marriage. He then told her the affair was not only over, but also the 30 year friendship was terminated as well. (As of this date, she has still been trying to contact him sporadically by phone and showing up at his office).

During this past year I have repeatedly tried walking in my husband's shoes in an attempt to understand why he did what he did. I empathize with his feelings of loneliness and despair, feeling the frustration of banging his head against a brick wall, unable to effectively communicate with me as the marriage deteriorated before our eyes. But on the other hand, having experienced those feelings first hand myself, I don't understand how he could betray me.  If anyone was weaker, it would have been me. He was so moral, so upstanding, so fucking holier than thou. When push came to shove however, I held true to my moral fiber, to the understanding that having an affair would have profoundly hurt him and though we didn't like each other and we were watching our marriage die a slow death, ending it cleanly was the only option, even it it was not feasible at that time.

I also realize that had the events not unfolded the way they did, we most likely would be navigating the divorce process, if not already divorced.  We may have just said fuck it, and gone our separate ways. Clearly, we had reached a communication impasse. 

I cannot adequately express the acute disappointment in him that I experience on a daily basis. I also struggle with an intense disappointment in myself for placing such unwavering trust in him.  I have been betrayed by those closest to me, my mother, sister and brother, and never expected to be betrayed by him.  He's hurt me so deeply, the pain is so overwhelming at times that I pause to catch my breath.  

He has been trying to make amends. He has been more considerate, more willing to talk rather than brushing me off. We don't allow a mistaken perception to morph into a major miscommunication.  We don't make mountains out of molehills. We've both recognized our pattern of destructive behavior and conscientiously altered the same to be more respectful of each other's feelings. He does little things to make me feel secure in his love.  Yes I acknowledge his efforts.  But the pain of his betrayal simmers just beneath the surface. Do I dwell on it ? Not as much as in the beginning, but when the pain surfaces, it doesn't dull.  I always trusted him implicitly.  He will never have that unwavering trust ever again. We have moved forward. Our marriage is better than it's been in years. Things will never be the same which some will say is a good thing. We have the opportunity to build something new, something different, something stronger  That may very well happen.  However, my unconditional trust in him will never be restored. Rebuilding trust is possible, but it will never be the same. And I don't feel like that's a good thing...

Sunday Night....

.....was September 18 last year.  I went to bed around 11:00pm.  I was volunteering at my son's school on Monday morning. For the past couple of years I would wake up around 5:20 with no alarm.  The stress of our disintegrating marriage was reaching a boiling point. I was walking on eggshells every day.  He was condescending and put me down constantly.  I could do nothing right. In return I was nasty to him, nit picking him to death about anything. He would criticize, I would retaliate. It was an endless circle of meanness, unhappiness and just pure misery.  I would attempt to avoid being home while he was here. He'd come in late and I'd find him asleep on the couch at 5:20 when I got up. He'd go to bed until 7:30 then drive my older son to high school while I brought my younger son to middle school.  But even as bad as things were, while I had the opportunity to reconnect with a long lost love from my past, I couldn't do it. I told one of my closest friends that I couldn't risk hurting my husband that way. He would never do that to me and if we ended up divorcing, I wanted him to know it was because of the way he treated me, not because there was another person in the middle of it.  My husband was an honorable man in his not so humble opinion, although I would categorize more accurately as holier-than-thou.  In any case, he would never cheat either...

At 3am (Sept 19), I woke up to use the bathroom. In a sleepy haze I wandered into the living room expecting to find my husband asleep on the couch. He wasn't home. I went back to bed, but couldn't sleep, something wasn't right. I picked up my phone, remembering the Find My Phone app we installed on all of our phones a couple of years ago. Hands trembling, I activated the app and his phone pinged in a residential neighborhood a couple of towns away.  I screenshot the location.  For a brief moment I considered driving there, but it was after 3am and he would have to come home at some point, so I waited until he pulled into the driveway a few minutes before 4:00am.  I pretended to be asleep while he came to bed and when he was asleep, I drove over to the house.  There were two possible houses, #5 and #7, so after I confirmed those addresses, I left, went home and googled the residents of that street. 

#7 had no residents that stuck out to me, but #5 had a Kim, in her 50's.  I found her on Facebook. Her profile was public, so I begin scrolling through her posts and pictures. Her status was separated.  A few minutes through, I found a picture of her and her mother.  Her mother who was the secretary in the office my husband worked in 30 years ago when he began his legal career. Kim, who had always had a crush on him and tried to convince him to be with her while she was engaged to her husband 25 years ago. Kim, who invited him to her wedding, then acted like a cunt to me while we were there. I had never known her last name. 

I then pulled up the Verizon mobile bill as the phones were in my name.  As I went through the calls, I became sick to my stomach as a Florida number littered his call log throughout September.  In August, July, June, May.  Less frequently, but still there from February through April.  Somehow I managed to work at school for my volunteer gig, but ended up leaving at lunch. I confirmed the Florida number as belonging to Kim. The cell activity would also have call locations and it was in that same town she lived. I could not concentrate. I phoned my friend who knew a good divorce lawyer. We had a martini and I booked an appointment with her friend for the following morning.

        

Hysterical Bonding

is a real thing.  

Seriously. 

It's basically fucking each other's brains out after the affair has been outed.

When I found out about my husband's affair, the last thing I wanted to do was have sex with him.  Instead, I was relieved to have an excuse to file for divorce.  Our marriage had been for all intents and purposes, dead for a few years, although we continued to have a physical relationship.  Quite frankly, we always had decent sex, even when we couldn't stand each other.  Emotional connections however were conspicuously missing.  

Early one morning, about a month after the affair was exposed, after the STD testing, after the brutal battling, we sat down and really talked.  The conversation lasted several hours with a lot of soul searching, honesty, tears and apologies. The animosity and anger, was turning into understanding .  We not only spoke to each other, we listened.  It was emotional and exhausting.  I went in the bedroom to lie down and take a nap and shortly after my husband came in the room.  He asked if he could lay down with me and I said yes. He held me and it felt really good.  He kissed me and to my surprise, I responded.  One thing led to another and we spend the entire afternoon in bed.  

Fast forward seven months later.  The sex has been incredible, more intense, more emotional than the honeymoon stage of our relationship 25 years ago. Neither of us can get enough. It is absolutely insane.  Completing our daily routine tasks counts as a major accomplishment on some days. A two or three day timeframe with no sex is a rarity, but two or three times a day is nothing unusual. 

We have questioned our inner porn star at least 100 times. It's crazy, sometimes interferes with work but has been overall incredible.  But what the fuck is going on? I've turned into a nymphomaniac and he's just as guilty of the same.  A month ago, I finally googled increased sex after an affair.  (How did we ever survive before Google?)  I discovered article after article on this phenomenon called Hysterical Bonding.  

Hysterical bonding is quite common I've learned. The dozens of articles I've read are equally positive and negative.  Most of the opinions I've read are categorized below:

-  Hysterical bonding has been compared to an animal marking it's territory, taking back what's yours.

-  Sex is a stress reliever and lets face it, the aftermath of an affair can be extremely stressful.

-  Another article labeled it a 'pick me' dance, and called it a humiliation for the betrayed partner.  This article referred to the increased sexual drive as a competition initiated by the betrayed spouse to 'win' back the cheater.  The article criticized the betrayed spouse for rewarding the cheater with sex and was frowned upon by the writer.

- I also read several blog posts written by women who experienced hysterical bonding. They confessed to engaging in wild sex several times a day, experimentation with different positions and in various new locations they had never tried in the past. Some reported outings to the local erotica stores and bringing brown paper bags full of goodies home. Fucking like porn stars was one of the analogies mentioned as was fucking like rabbits.

- Multiple women have asked for a definitive time period on how long hysterical bonding lasts. They detail anywhere from 3 months to a year, although some women have admitted to two years and counting .  Then there is also the question many inquired as to whether is it still considered hysterical bonding after a long period of time?

   ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I never completed this post from back in May. My husband had two herpes outbreaks which the initial STD testing didn't reveal. There was a brief interval from the crazed sex, replaced by nasty fights and renewed mistrust from the exposure of his lie, however once the herpes cleared up, we were back to the hyper sex, talking about it, recapping the night before, and texting about our upcoming intentions.  We are two days from the anniversary of D-day...

I am still hurting.  I cannot fathom any excuse for what he did.  I hate him so much on occasion even though I love him. I am devastated that the person I trusted the most, betrayed me.  So why is the sex still so good? 

Is it still hysterical bonding?  Have you experienced this phenomenon yourself after discovering your partner's affair? How long does it last?

Please share your thoughts/experience with me regarding hysterical bonding as this is truly confusing to me...

A Year Ago...

...I was riding my bike on our local bike path.  I rode nearly 20 miles that day and stopped for an ice cream at the nearby ice cream shop which had not yet closed for the season.  September was very warm, the weather was absolutely gorgeous.  On the way home, I detoured to drop off some mail at the post office and while at a red light, I snapped the most flattering, gorgeous selfie I had ever taken. Before I even returned home, I changed my Facebook and Instagram profile pictures. 

Summer had been a blast!  My sons and I spent six weeks at the beach. We were out with friends every day and night. There were full moons, boat rides, drinks, summer food, eating out.  We were living the life.

My husband and I weren't on the best of terms. We would constantly argue. He was very critical of everything I did and I nit picked him to death. He really didn't spend much time at the beach with us, which was fine with me.

We went on our yearly weekly 'family' vacation in early August and then spent the remainder of that month preparing for school.  Being self-employed, my husband frequently worked late and being backed up from our vacation, I thought nothing of his absence at home. I attributed it to him catching up.

This September 13, as I snapped my carefree selfie while basking in the warm September sun and later relaxing with a bottle of wine and dinner with a friend, I had no idea that less than a week later, my whole world would turn upside down.

I discovered the affair six days later, on September 19.

This past month has been rough. I've been on edge. I've polished off a little too much wine.  And I've cried myself to sleep.

Things had been coming to a head last September. My marriage was dead. Sometimes I acknowledge had we just agreed to a divorce, we would have now been in the process of going our separate ways. Practically speaking, on the one hand, the affair saved our marriage. However, as a person who values loyalty and trust as paramount, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that he cheated. I cut my sister, brother and mother out of my life because of their lack of loyalty towards me and my family.  If I could cut them out, I sure as hell could cut my husband out of my life as well.  

Loyalty. That word means everything to me. Without loyalty, there is no trust. Without trust, there is no love. I stood with my husband against my family.  He loved me. He was loyal to me. I trusted him. Even when we fought, when things were terrible between us, I trusted him. Implicitly. Completely. I would have bet my life on his loyalty.  Had it ever come to that, I would have been dead. 

I'm still reeling. I'm still hurt. And I wonder if it really is just because of what he did, or because I allowed myself to be so blinded by my faith in him, my trust in him. Is my anger driven by his actions or my disappointment in myself for being so stupid. Things were bad. I had the same opportunity to stray as he did. I chose not to. I couldn't bear to do that to him, to risk hurting him so profoundly if he would have found out. I hated him. I could have cheated. I didn't. How could he? 

How could he?  I cannot wrap my head around that. It's been almost a year and I have made no progress in accepting his choice, his decision to cheat. 

I always said if he ever cheated, we'd be over. But for all intents and purposes, we were over, just not with a formal separation or divorce.  When I found out about his affair I immediately filed for divorce, but ultimately I didn't leave. And it behooves me to admit that if I was in a better financial position, or if I didn't have the kids to consider, I surely would have left him.  I have no doubt in my mind about that fact. While I've loved my husband since I met him, he betrayed me in the worst possible way. He showed me his lack of loyalty. When the going got tough, he got going to another woman.  His words were shit. His actions revealed all. 

So here's my conundrum in a nutshell as I sit here, six days from the first anniversary of D-day. Without loyalty there is no trust. Without trust, there is no love, at least not totally, because I do love him.  Or do I? How can I love someone I don't trust?

How the hell am I going to get past this?

Time Keeps On Ticking...

 ...and I've started digging again.

After a relatively wonderful summer, albeit a few little bumps, (massive sinkholes), the end of August is approaching.  September brings a brand new school year and the one year anniversary of when I discovered my husband's affair.  It was September 19 to be exact.  

I have always remembered dates and have a bizarre memory when it comes to dates.  It is actually a shame that it had to be on a 19th.  We were engaged on a 19th.  We were married on a 19th.  And I caught him fucking around on a 19th.  

Now home from our summer adventures, he's been trying to catch up at work and has been working late. Given the close proximity to D-day, my imagination and suspicions have been working overtime and then some.  Regressing, I begin with the cell phone bill.  I log into my alternate social media accounts and look for the fake accounts I know she is using to stalk my Facebook and Instagram.

Last month, I learned of another cell phone number.  I saw a sarcastic toned text come in and I asked my husband who it was, suspecting it was her.  He didn't try to hide it, his response being 'who do you think'.  I made a note of the number and checked it later on spydialer.com.  For those who don't know of this site, spydialer.com is a free website to check up phone numbers. It can access the name, photo and even voice mail of a number.  I checked the skank's number. Spydialer said it was "Kim".  So I played the voicemail, prompting a phone call from Reno, NV to Kimba's phone. I spy dialed myself and when I called back the Reno number, it was a creepy voice saying, "You've been spy dialed."  Hilarious!  I did it a few more times over the past few weeks when I got pissy.  Spy dialer  is not always 100% accurate with the name option as found out a couple of times when checking other numbers on my husbands cell phone log. So I tried it with my cousin's phone. The name was different, but when my cousin & I selected the voicemail option, we had the sound bite of her voicemail.  

I assumed the skank's new number was relatively recent.  I was wrong.  When I reviewed the cell phone bill from last summer, Kimba not only called from the Florida cell phone number I knew about, but supplemented those calls with another local cell phone number, the same one she began texting him with in July.  That seriously pissed me off.  So I continued digging deeper.

I had not been able to find her best friend's Instagram account but I knew the two of them had been following my feed. I found her first account months ago and blocked, it was a private account.  I found a second account before we left for vacation but couldn't confirm at that time it was her.

Last night I pulled up my son's old Instagram account opened solely for a social studies project.  I revisited that second account which she has now been using as her primary account.  I screenshot all her followers and people she followed, then reviewed them one by one.  I found her sister in law who followed her third account. I found her best friend's account as well as the friend's daughter's account. I found two Facebook accounts for the daughter as well and blocked the whole bunch.  But I had a feeling there was more, so I searched Kimba with the last 4 numbers of that 'new' phone.  Bingo.  No followers, no following, no picture.  BLOCKED.

She thinks I'm a stalker - I say I'm thorough.  She's already become so paranoid that she took off the 'add friend' button off her Facebook and hid all her friends.  Don't get me wrong, I don't actually care if she sees what I publicly post.  Truth be told, I post some of it solely for her benefit.  I only block her to make it more difficult, to make her nervous and let her know who she's dealing with. Let her think I'm a stalker and that I'm psycho. Let her obsess how I find out what I know. As my husband has said on multiple occasions, "she's not too bright."

Finding these accounts just bolters my take on the situation with my husband.  He seems to be growing uneasy with the level she is reaching to stalk me. I've told him all along how she's played the whole thing, meeting resistance at first.  Now he's seeing her manipulations first hand and I do get satisfaction in 'proving' my intuition was right, telling him what her next move will be and having it proven correct, although I would have given anything for this not to have happened in the first place.  I've confessed to my husband the posts I've used to draw her out.  He's even admitted to getting a kick out of it (to a degree) because it shows that I love him.  Given his gigantic need to have his ego stoked, I can see how he believes that to be true. This infidelity thing has sucked the life out of me and I sometimes don't know what I am truly feeling anymore. Is it love? Is it territorial? I have my own pride and ego too. 

In any case, I am feeling more stressed, more anxiety and I am revisiting places I really don't want to go.  While driving today, my mind wandered  to that night I discovered my husband's car parked a block away from her house.  As I drove home, I began imagining what might have happened that night if I smashed his windshield, or even backed my car into his as I would have liked to, leaving a note to not come home. I fantasize about just packing up and leaving him only the kids had just started school two weeks before. I couldn't just take them out in the middle of the night and I couldn't leave them.  I play the scenario of what if... what if I found out before school started... what if I confronted them the night the Find My Phone app put them in a restaurant when I was at photography class...what if I dumped all his clothes and things on her front lawn...what if I pounded on her front door instead of walking away.

We made progress in reconnecting over the summer. We enjoyed each other's company, even discovering up a new common hobby, tennis, that we both enjoy.  We have been working together as a team to try and resurrect his neglected business.  However, in spite of that, he will always fall short of the highly principled, honest, integrity laden man he always portrayed himself to be. I don't envision him ever gaining that prestige back in my eyes, because had he truly possessed those qualities, he never would have cheated in the first place.  Mr. Integrity.  Mr Perfect. Mr. Honest. Mr. Family Man. Mr. "I'm Better Than 99% of the Guys Out There" Mr. "We Had a Real Marriage" (Really??). 

And that is the crux of it. I can't see myself ever getting past the fact that he cheated.

This can't be productive. Will it ever end?

2017 Total Solar Eclipse...

August 21, 2017 would have been my father's 89th birthday.  It is also the date of a total eclipse of the sun, visible in the United States.  The path of totality does not run in New England, we are only supposed get 67% or so.

The internet is abuzz with jokes, memes, predictions and advice on rituals to perform, from making eclipse water, to manifesting dreams.  There are end of the world predictions and I even saw a picture of Jesus on the cross with the insinuation that when he died and the earth went dark, it was in fact due to a total solar eclipse. 

On my personal Facebook feed, I have read friends posts ad nauseous about how they procured their precious eclipse watching glasses, several others lamenting on how they were unable to get the sold out eclipse gear and a few more whose posts were seen by generous benefactors who parted with a spare pair.  I have at least 4 Facebook friends who high-tailed it to North Carolina to view this spectacular event.

I however, am going to watch this monumental universal occurrence on CBS.  

While I consider myself pretty adventurous with not too much I wouldn't consider doing, risking my eyesight is not one of those things.  I realize NASA certified certain eyewear as safe, but if there is even a .01% chance of error or failure, I am not willing to risk my vision.  I'm sure professional photographers and videographers will post awe-inspiring photos.  

For those that choose to view the eclipse, I hope your glasses are safe.  I hope people don't risk looking up with regular sunglasses.  And I truly hope the eclipse lives up to all your exceptions.  

Right now, where I am, it is 12:10 EST and looking a little cloudy...