I see my some of my friends' Facebook posts on how great their moms are. I see other heartbroken friends' posts missing their deceased moms. But I don't see any posts about the crappy moms. I can't be the only one one whose Mom left much to be desired, could I?
My mom was crappy. She was mean. She was selfish. And when I had children I promised myself I would not be like her.
My husband always told me he was almost afraid to commit to a relationship with me after meeting my mother. He never liked her, she reminded him of a childhood friend's mother who in all fairness suffered from mental illness. Maybe my mother does suffer from mental illness as well, although no one in my immediate family has ever been diagnosed.
Nevertheless, I can attest to the fact that my mother is one of the most selfish people I've ever met. As far as I've ever seen she has never given to others without an ulterior motive. As a child, I never saw her sacrifice for us. My father always gave of himself, but my mother was always concerned about herself.
My mother fancies herself a Christian, but was never a generous person. She lives in fear. She must attend weekly mass because that is what the Catholic religion dictates. If she doesn't, she'll go to hell. I attended Catholic school through 12th grade and am fluent in the teachings of the Catholic faith, however, I never fell prey to the fear tactics. I believe in God, and in Jesus. I also believe that it's more important to be a good person than go to church. If everyone would 'do unto others as you would like others to do unto you', the world would be a much better place. I don't attend church regularly and I don't believe that because of this, I am condemned to spend eternity in hell. The God I believe in is a loving God, not one who punishes because someone neglects to attend weekly mass. When I see my mother, I see a Sunday Christian, one who goes to church on Sundays and holy days, yet treats people like shit Monday thru Saturday. Those people are not Christians in my view.
My friend Pat and her mother came over for dinner and drinks one night. They told me a story I had never heard before about how in elementary (Catholic) school, over 40 years ago, Pat's mother phoned my mother. She didn't drive and asked my mother if they could ride with us to school for a church event. My mother answered her in one word, "No." We all laughed but secretly, I cringed inside. I was not surprised however. That was the epitome of my mother.
I can't even comment on my childhood because frankly, I don't even remember much of it. I think I blocked a lot of it out. The pieces I do remember revolve around events from school, early work and friends. I don't remember much about events with my immediate family. Sometimes, I look at old family pictures and cannot even attach memories to them.
I used to resent my mother, but I've reached a point in time where I have just let the past be the past. I wouldn't use the word forgiveness, but I don't hate her either. It's like she doesn't even exist. My mother and I had a falling out a little over five years ago. Not only did she cut out contact with me, but she has not tried to contact my sons either. For many years, I had resented the fact that she favored my sister's children but never did anything for mine. It hurt. Ultimately, I believe she was able to cut ties with my sons because of their autism. Their behavior was very difficult and challenging as toddlers and they weren't worth the effort as far as she was concerned. She is selfish. If the relationship takes effort, she just can't be bothered. As my sons have grown and matured, they are very smart and extremely funny adolescents. I sometimes feel sorry for her that she misses out on their company. But it's her choice.
My sons were sick and I needed to bring my daughter to the ER years ago, when they were toddlers. I phoned my mother to ask her to come over and stay with the boys. She said she couldn't because it had rained earlier and the roads were wet. (Did I mention she lives 5 minutes away?) My daughters ex-boyfriend took her to the ER. The next day it snowed... a lot. But it was Sunday. My mother was miraculously able to drive to church. There are so many more similar stories.
Five years ago, she sat in my house and lied to my face. Well it wasn't exactly a lie, more like an omission of details. A few days later, when I needed to speak with her, I learned she was away. She neglected to tell me she was visiting a family member that had betrayed me, my husband and my daughter. She had been deliberately sneaky and I was extremely upset that she hid, rather than just told me the fact that she was going. It caused an argument and her reaction to it was to cut ties. When she brought other family members into it in the form of excluding me from other family functions, including a niece's baby shower after that niece had survived chemotherapy for leukemia, I could accept her cutting the ties with a clear conscience.
In the past five years, I've only run into her once while I was at an after funeral luncheon for my cousin's aunt and my mother was there, her usual nasty, belligerent self shining out for all to see. I didn't engage in too much conversation with her but she could not help herself and when the attitude emerged, I shut it down quickly and firmly. I refused to play her obnoxious game. When my cousin left, she found the flowers my mother was given before the casket was buried, on the hood of her. And that's my mother, a petty, nasty woman.
Since social media has became so prevalent in today's society, I've always felt an additional pang of sadness on Mother's Day. I see all the posts and the heartbreaking tributes to the moms that are no longer here. Some of my friends had been blessed to have had the most wonderful, encouraging Moms. Some of my friends also still have their moms to love and enjoy. Some of my friends are grandmothers and have close relationships with their daughters and grandchildren. I am disappointed that I never had a mom who encouraged me, one whom I could go to if I had a problem or even just to share an accomplishment. I wish I had a mom who helped me plan my wedding or took enjoyment of my childrens' many milestones, especially in light of their autism. I wish I had a mom with whom I could enjoy an afternoon of shopping or just spending some time doing nothing.
As Mother's Day comes to a close, I do realize I am blessed with three amazing children. I have been a hands on mom, always aware of providing the love and attention I didn't receive myself. And while I am by far not the perfect mother, I know in my heart, my children will never, ever question the fact that I loved them and will always know how proud of them I am, every single day of their lives.
